The Throne

Whoever created the Tumblr site, Zak Bagans Is A God- we certainly don’t wish to tread upon your First Amendment rights.

The Throne | Zak Bagans Is A Bitch – SA Magazine

The Throne | Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses MagazineWe admit it. For almost all of 2011 we decided to leave Zak Bagans alone. We figured maybe we here at Smartasses Magazine got through to him, or maybe he was finally done re-visiting that “I’m invincible” stage we all go through when we’re fourteen years old, but for whatever reason, Zak seemed to be toning it down.

Oh how wrong we were.

Although I decline to give the show any credit for being the ‘rock and roll version of paranormal investigation’ like most writers seem to enjoy doing, simply because that somehow seems to sanctify them as the ghost-hit-men supernus for generation-now (Editor’s Note: Not unlike Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve usurped Lawrence Welk’s annual year-end yawnfest back in 1972, and I simply refuse to edify Ghost Adventures in that manner), still, if you can suspend reality long enough to swallow things like their PX device, the ‘spirit speak and spell phonetic generator thingy’ actually existing… the show isn’t that bad. So we’re not dogging on the show. Nope, just Zak.


Dark World | Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses MagazineIf you’ve read Zak’s book, then from the auto-biographical portion, you already ‘know’ he was shy, and had trouble facing people as a lad. We don’t buy it. Introverts don’t get in film school, don’t work as wedding DJ’s, and certainly don’t launch their own clothing line and prance around in it. Don’t fall for the ‘sensitive’ bull ladies- he’s every bit the fame-fishing, uber-aggressive Aries that his birth date suggests. Trust us. He still updates his Myspace page for Christ’s sake. Apologies, however, to whoever the doe-eyed prepubescent was that created the Tumblr site, Zak Bagans Is A God– we certainly don’t wish to tread upon your First Amendment rights. For what it’s worth, Avril Lavigne is God anyway. But enough on that.

Zak's Throne | Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses MagazineIn case you don’t trust us, go back and watch the Ghost Adventures Special: Horror Hotels And Deadliest Hospitals that aired on The Travel Channel on February 24th, 2012. Dude bought himself a throne. In the event you drifted off and started dreaming about rabbits somewhere along the way, I’ll type it again- Zak Bagans bought himself a throne.

Naming his clothing line Dungeonwear, and giving it it’s own website and (now suspended) twitter account (clothes tweet?) seemingly wasn’t enough. He had to build himself his own dungeon to justify the netherworld apparel, and apparently, put a throne in the dungeon so as to justify the room. I mean, without any elf-world woodland robbers to capture and cage up, suffice it to say you have to do something with a dungeon, right? Decorating it with after-Halloween-sale mise en scène from Dollar General certainly isn’t enough, so why not put a throne in there, where you can sit and ponder things? That way, the sales-pitch to the manufacturer can go something like this, “Yes, I want to create a clothing line that captures the essence, of what it’s like to be in my dungeon, where I sit, in my throne, and ponder things. In the dark.” God already knows there’s no other reason to give Zak Bagans his own clothing line. If you want to emulate Zak’s style, just stand around a few junior high school halls, and wait. Chances are, the next boy to utter “My father never loved me” is probably your guy.

Nick's Pissed | Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses MagazineWhat is perhaps worst of all, is the mere fact that the Travel Channel seems to encourage the behavior. Not only did they recently film from Zak’s dungeon, but their website even gives you a virtual tour of Bagan’s kewl basement, courtesy of a slideshow. I feel sorry for whoever picked this one out of the job jar, but some blog-savvy intern, literally, had to type the phrase, “Zak relaxes in his throne by the fireplace” next to one of the photographs. All things being equal, I bet they never imagined in a million years, that they’d have to roll out of bed one day with that task on the to-do list. The caption for the picture to the right reads, “Nick seems a little intimidated by his surroundings.” Yeah right. We realize the Travel Channel just wanted to be a little cute, but all joking aside, even though Nick Groff could possibly be turned off with Zak’s beer-can-collection and Slayer posters… the dude hunts ghosts for a living. More than likely, Nick probably doesn’t give two dimes about a glow in the dark plastic skeleton adorned with cotton-candy- dude is pissed he has to ride the pine at Zak’s left hand, while Zak sits on a f*cking throne!

"Zak relaxes in his throne by the fireplace" | Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses MagazineWe imagine that, by now, especially after the Kris Williams Smartasses Radio interview, that a good portion of you ghost-type, Smartass-aholics, are familiar with our part time co host Ric ‘Your RoleModel’ Lieb as the ‘star of the show’. Assuming you do, I guaran-damn-tee that the day his character ego, actually goes to his real life head, to the point where he starts demanding to do broadcasts from the red, velvety over-side of a king’s chair… is the day that someone else punches him in the back of the skull. Which is exactly what anyone who meets Zak Bagans should do to him.


© Smartasses Magazine


9 thoughts on “The Throne

  • March 30, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    Zak Bagans is not a bitch he is a wonderful guy but he is very serious about ghost hunting like me who gives a crap if he has a freaking dungeon and throne or that he named his clothes line “DungeonWear” is it your clothes line. No! So shut your big fat mouth! And if say something like this again. “I’ll be back.”

    • August 31, 2016 at 6:56 pm

      Leave Zack alone we all are GOD’S children you have no right to judge when your life is perfect maybe you won’t look so green

      • September 14, 2016 at 6:05 pm

        Zack is a good man with a beautiful heart and soul! !♡♡so stop being childish penis envy is so over rated! Your ‘s truly your friend -girl Patricia Terrell lots of sweet kisses and hugs for you my sweetie Zack ♡♡

  • May 10, 2012 at 8:10 am

    The comments about him being a homphobe seem to be quite true. You read his twitter account and that bears that out. He’s blocked people who have called him out on this, too, which just shows how childish he is. And perhaps he has something else to hide there, too… But his sleazy “hey ladies” crap is vile. Especially in that episode where they just HAD to leave in that thing where this girl says he’s hot, etc, etc, etc… I like watching the show per-se but Zak really needs an ego check and soon or else he’s going to have trouble fitting both heads through any doors.

    • May 4, 2016 at 5:19 pm

      Sooo blocking people cuz he don’t want to talk to them makes him a bitch?? Hmmmmm yea dude your a MORON

      • May 4, 2016 at 5:24 pm

        Yes. It does. Furthermore, wouldn’t be casting stone regarding the intellect of others, when you haven’t even learned the rudimentary difference between “your” and “you’re”. Moron.

  • May 22, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    Geee…jealous much? Zak made something of himself and is riding the waves of his success. Good for him. Wow…..sounds like you got it up the wrong hole, Derk. Who’s the bitch now?

  • May 24, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Ah now really. How many black jellybeans did you get paid for writing your grouse? Did you reseach gossip mag interviews and his garage’s garbage contents for clues as to why he “bought” the throne? Maybe the guy is kinky. Excuse me; I have skulls on my spanking throne that need a spit shine… Go ponder that in the dark if you’d like.

  • May 24, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    @Robert – Yes, @Zak_Bagans blocked us too, and we’ve never even spoken to him on Twitter. If that alone doesn’t prove he’s a “bitch” nothing does. If he had a ball, no doubt he would take it, and go home too.

    @Li – No, we’re not “jealous much”. We’re jealous of Brad Pitt. We’re jealous of Johnny Depp. We’re jealous of George Clooney and Ashton Kutcher- Ya know, guys that are actually good looking *and* cool, who don’t have to placidly seek attention and camera hog to feel good about waking up each day.

    @Artina – No, we just watched the show, and if dude wants to be kinky, that’s fine- doesn’t mean he has to drag Aaron and Nick into it. Now on the flip side of that, chicks with thrones are cool- and I’d also bet twenty bucks that if it were you who were on TV, unlike Zak, you wouldn’t feel the need to do everything short of holding up a sign that said “Look at how hot I am.” at every conceivable opportunity.

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