Zak Bagans Is a Bitch

Ghost Adventures’ Zak Bagans is a bitch, and every once in awhile we’re going to tell you why. First reason? My air conditioner can probably make thirty six noises that sound like “Nick” or “Zak.

Zak Bagans Is a Bitch | Zak Bagans Is A Bitch – SA Magazine

Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses Magazine It’s not about whether or not I believe in ghosts. I’m just not always sure I believe in what Zak and his Ghost Adventures Crew (Friday nights on the Travel Channel) claim to be real life (or is it real-death?) spooks out to get them. And, well, yeah… all of Zak’s posing for the camera gets a bit old as well.

Perhaps it begins with their methods. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good infrared camera and motion detector. But the crew seems to put a little too much stock into things most eight year-olds wouldn’t fall for. Goosebumps anyone?

But throw out those, as well as those silly little dust particles that they like to call ‘orbs’, flying up the piss holes of our badass, dragon crested-t-shirted trio, and you’re still left with some pretty questionable ‘evidence’. Perhaps most notably is their Talker. Or maybe it’s called an ‘Inductive Probe’. Hell, maybe it’d help if they had a real name for it. I’m sure those three hip ghost bustin’ cads can eventually come up with a kewl name for it that sounds all electro-adventurous and scientific-like. But in the proverbial nutshell, it’s a super-futuristic-space device described on the Ghost Adventures website as a tool that ‘captures energy or electromagnetic waves and converts them to phonemes or words.’ So… it magically takes energy out of the ‘air’… and turns them into dialogue for the latest Xtranormal video or NOAA Weather Radar Broadcast? Yeah. I’m convinced now.

I’m also a big fan of The Spirit Box. I’ll save the official website description this time, and basically call it for what it is. Ever been in your grandpa’s car, eternally pushing the seek button on the AM radio, hoping to find ANY broadcast? That’s what The Spirit Box does. Except it pushes the seek button for you, very rapidly. Chances are, it’s not really catching the sound of any actual long lost spirits, but rather the tail end of a punchline delivered by Mike Golic on ESPN radio.

Lastly, it’s much of their EVP evidence. By now, I’m sure everyone on the planet realizes that EVP stands for electronic voice phenomena. It’s one thing if you get an actual sentence captured on your digital recorder. Even two words in a row is something worth mentioning. But oddly enough, every episode Nick, Zak and Aaron seem to run into lynch mobs of chronically monosyllabic ghosts ready to talk up a storm to them- one word at a time. Personally, if I listen to my air conditioner long enough, I can probably make out a “yes”. My favorite is when ego overtakes common sense on the show, and the boys truly believe that the ghosts are calling them out. I can probably make thirty six noises that sound like “Nick” or “Zak” just bending over to tie my shoes. Amazing how “Aar-on” never gets called out.


Let’s Play Dress-Up

Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses MagazineWe understand the trigger object theory. It’s one thing to bring a few items or make a few noises, that reflect back to the time when any of the alleged paranormal spirits they’re pursuing walked amongst the living, in an effort to try and stir up a little activity. But we can’t help but think the Ghost Adventures Crew takes it a little bit too far.

In fact, if it was just a simple case of taking something too far, that would almost be acceptable. Certainly nothing worthy of writing an article about.

But, correct us if we’re wrong, we get the feeling that Zak ‘The Bitch’ Bagans simply likes dressing up in period clothing… because he thinks the chicks are gonna dig it.

Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses MagazineZak – “Hey guys, chicks drool over guys in a uniform, and we all know it’s my ice cold stare and amazingly chiseled looks that draw viewers to our show. So whatta ya say we dress up like (Revolutionary War Heroes; Civil War Heroes; Cowboys; Knights; Male Cheerleaders; Rodeo Clowns; Pirates; Wal-Mart Door Greeters; etc.) and really make the hotties worship me?”

Nick & Aaron – “Uh… sure dude. Whatever.”

Valentine’s Day Special

Zak Bagans Is A Bitch - Smartasses MagazineIf this week’s Ghost Adventures Valentine’s Day Special at Longfellow’s Wayside Inn, where the good old Ghost Adventures Crew high-and-lowed for a lovesick specter, didn’t prove what we’ve been saying all along, that Zak Bagans is a bitch… then nothing will.

For an appetizer, I just adore how, at the beginning of the show, Zak ‘The Bitch” Bagans saw fit to toss in to the scripted dinner ‘conversation’ a little quip where Aaron calls him out as “Mr. Muscles over here.” giving Zak himself the opportunity to gasp in simulated awe and respond, “Who? Me?”

I can’t help but be reminded of days gone by, of complementing your Aunt’s spiffy new dress, where you’d usually be met with a limp-wristed titter, and a riposte along the lines of “What? This old thing?”

If that wasn’t enough, after a first half filled with a barrage of seemingly endless homophobic comments (you seriously can’t say the word ‘seaman’ without giggling, Zak? How old are you, twelve?) our reigning superintendent of tight t-shirts had to turn the whole ‘horny-ghost hunt’  into a competition between him and Aaron, with Zak declaring on several instances (and we paraphrase) “Aaron, let’s see which one of us the ghost chooses to seduce first.”

Way to go Zak, you douchebag. You fish for attention and adulation with all the subtlety of a wrecking ball. At least we got to watch you fall on your ass, bitch.


© Smartasses Magazine


8 thoughts on “Zak Bagans Is a Bitch

  • June 12, 2016 at 12:50 am

    No clue what this article is about

  • June 24, 2016 at 5:33 pm

    You sound extremely jealous !

    • November 29, 2016 at 7:44 pm

      What’s there to be jealous about of someone who sends everyone else into the scary places while he sits in the safety of main base himself? pfffttt
      He’s a coward.

  • August 7, 2016 at 7:15 pm

    You sure you ain’t a angry spirit just having a mental breakdown lol.
    Screw you zaks birthday is the same day as mine. He’s a year older than me.
    I ain’t no asshole. Oops I’m from the UK I ment arsehole 👻👊󾓪󾓦

    • August 27, 2016 at 9:45 pm

      Dude can’t You tell These Guys are trying to teach Us mere mortals about the mysteries of the other side ..Yah Zak is awanna be Rockstar yet He still inspired Me to get My Very Own Spirit Box and Hang with My Witch Girlfriends all night in a Cemetary or two..Think They must have state of the Art equipment looks expensive so it’s probably very

      accurate..Don’t all TV stars have a bit of an Ego?? Ild like to see Future Shows with Them contacting Angels Saints and Spiritual Master’s and High Divinity Gods and Goddesses from various Religions…They seem to be getting humble and Proficient in Their Craft…They try to add some Humour and Style into n otherwise serious Scarry topic of Ghosts and Demons.. Personally Ild Love to go on One of Their Adventures and Party down afterwards…

  • November 29, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    Anyone who takes the time out of their life to create an article to bitch about a man they claim to be a “bitch” just cause he likes to dress nice and has muscles seems like the real bitch to me. I can see where people think hes a bitch but he doesnt appear to be a pushover or anything like that to me from what i have seen. Everyone just thinks he is a douche because he is the leader of the crew sorry people but sometimes we dont have to be super nice and cuddly to get the point across and if your feelings get hurt you must be the true……
    So yeah sometimes he can be a little insensitive but thats what real men are like people hate to break it to you!

    • November 29, 2016 at 7:51 pm

      I might agree with you except this isn’t about insensitivity or stardom. This is about being a big talking coward, who always sends his crew members into the darkness of harm’s way while he himself sits at a distance in well-lit safety.
      His crew members are the nice guys. He’s a frightened, big mouthed bully.

  • November 29, 2016 at 7:40 pm

    He eagerly sends the other crew members, especially Aaron, into the scary places while he hides out at main base.
    The sissy.

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