WWE Wrestlemania 29 Predictions 2013 – April 7, 2013 – Predictions from Smartasses Magazine Senior Editor- Johnny Video.
WWE Wrestlemania 29 Predictions 2013 | Pay Per View Predictions – SA Magazine
Remember, not unlike the Super Bowl, WWE Wrestlemania is the one pay per view of the year that is actually not geared towards the hard core wrestling afficianado. However, despite what most hard core wrestling fans are saying, in regards to this being a rather mediocre card, it may just be the smarks who are applauding the loudest when Wrestlemania 29 comes to a close. First of all, it’s worth noting that Donald Trump, Maria Menounos, Snooki, and no other celebrities are anywhere near this card, and secondly, if my predictions are correct, in addition to a bunch of fun matches that appeal to the casual fan without upsetting the experts too terribly bad, today is also the day where every smart mark’s boy Dolph Ziggler gets his due.
WWE Intercontinental Champion
Wade Barrett (c) vs The Miz
Okay, we get it. Diddy and Tons Of Funk are on the main card, and the Intercontinental Championship is not, and yes, that does suck. But that seems to be the future of the WWE in the online-media era. With that said, The Miz failed in several attempts to obtain the United States Championship (which to my knowledge, isn’t even being defended on the pre-match card at all) so why they would let him compete for a higher ranking title and win it is beyond me- unless Ric Flair somehow makes an appearance, which honestly, I’d say was likely if this match was taking place on the main card where it belongs… but it isn’t. So look for the WWE to use up one of their “feel-bad” moments when the least amount of people are paying attention.
Winner: Wade Barrett
World Heavyweight Championship
Alberto Del Rio (c) vs Jack Swagger
I really don’t think many people care about this match, as long as Zeb Colter continues to have a chance to do his thing. Few people if any were behind Jack Swagger to begin with, and even less are parading behind him with applause now after the marijuana incident. As for Del Rio, at least other “experts” are starting to come on board with me in realizing that his babyface turn has been mired in utter mediocrity. With that noted, despite that mediocrity, and even though Ricardo Rodriguez & Del Rio’s silly impersonations of Swagger & Colter have been mildly amusing at best, this has still been a fun feud just because Colter is so amazingly amazing at what he does in his real-American-hick role. Luckily, that fun and this feud can continue with or without the belt- which is exactly how this will turn out. Look for the babyface Del Rio to provide all the wrestling-rookies with the first feel-good moment of the show, and look for Dolph Ziggler to exercise the first ever Wrestlemania-cash-in of the Money In The Bank briefcase immediately thereafter, capture the gold, and give all the smark’s their first feel-good moment of the show as well.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio/Dolph Ziggler
Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls vs The Rhodes Scholars & the Bella Twins
Yes, maybe this should have been a pre-card bout, but, you have to have some comedy in there somewhere to take a break from all the exhausting drama- and I can’t think of a better way to loosen things up a bit than having the Funkadactyls in a match. One thing’s for certain, Cameron & Naomi proved they can put on a good show last week on Raw, prior to being screwed by the Bella Twins. With that said, I don’t even need to point out the “opposite rule” to determine that paybacks are gonna happen. All I need to point out is that, this is Wrestlemania – do you really think the WWE is going to pass up an opportunity to get the kids and grandma involved, by not having any post-match, funky dancing? Of course not.
Winner: Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls
Chris Jericho vs Fandango
With Jericho being one of the most decorated talents in WWE history, I’m sorry, even if he is renown for putting new talent over, he simply can’t lose to a noob at Wrestlemania. However, the WWE didn’t spend months building up the Fandango character either, just to have him fade into obscurity on their biggest stage. Look for Y2J to win with the Walls of Jericho, and for Fandango to crack him in the back of the head with a steel chair a few seconds later, after the bell has sounded.
Winner: Chris Jericho
WWE Tag Team Championship Match
Daniel Bryan & Kane (c) vs Dolph Ziggler & Big E. Langston
Some say there’s a Kaitlyn vs AJ Lee match pre-show. Or pre-pre show. Whatever. If so, that’d be great, because if it happens, there’s a good chance that Team Ziggler (for lack of a better moniker) could walk away with all the gold, and if I were Vinnie Mac, that’s exactly what I would do, seeing as how I’m 100% positive that Ziggy will already have the World Heavyweight title around his waist by the time the bell rings for this match. So why not have AJ wearing gold too, and then have Dolph and Big E win the tag team belts here? Conveniently, that is exactly what I think is going to happen, and I’ll also tell you what else I firmly believe is going to happen- Maybe AJ’s “moment” won’t have anything to do with the Diva’s belt, but I am damn sure that she’s going to be the reason Daniel Bryan & Kane don’t walk away with any belts either. History will inevitably label 2013 as “The Wrestlemania of Dolph Ziggler” and make no mistake… history may also forever infamously nickname Daniel Bryan as “Mr. Eighteen Seconds” as well. Don’t ask me how the bad guys will keep Kane occupied while it goes down, but look for a surprise kiss from AJ on Daniel Bryan’s lips as the catalyst for Ziggler to score a quick Zig Zag on Bryan… exactly eighteen seconds after the bell sounds.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler & Big E. Langston
Randy Orton & Sheamus & Big Show vs The Shield
Can perennial good guys Sheamus and Randy Orton actually trust the Big Show? Maybe (insert swerve here) it wasn’t Big Show who was the untrustworthy one all along! Gasp and guffaw! In a “Let’s copy Aces & Eights some more” move… I think Randy Orton turns heel and reveals himself as the leader of The Shield. Plus, if they truly want to “surround” the ring, they need a fourth guy anyway. Yes way.
Winner: The Shield
Ryback vs Mark Henry
As fun as a “Power Match” looks on paper, this will be the WWE equivalent of having a log and cinder block participate in a calligraphy contest. Look for “Ryberg” to win so he looks strong for a nice build to Wrestlemania 30.
No Holds Barred with Triple H’s Career On The Line
Brock Lesnar vs Triple H (with Shawn Michaels)
I think everyone knew, at last year’s worst Summerslam ever, that the only reason Triple H lost the match then, was so he could get a little redemption at Wrestlemania. The “retirement” angle is just to make it a little less obvious, since it is somewhat logical that Hunter may want to write himself off television sometimes soon. But it won’t be on a Wrestlemania that ends in such a non-milestone-ish number like nine.
Winner: Triple H
The Streak On The Line
The Undertaker vs C.M. Punk
Come on now. All you need to remember are two things: Paul Bearer just died, and professional wrestling is predetermined.
WWE Championship match
The Rock (c) vs John Cena
The Rock served his purpose. Not as well as hoped, most likely, but I’m sure he’s brought a fan or three back into the fold. Given Rock’s victory at Wrestlemania 28 and Cena’s Royal Rumble win, the outcome of this match has been inevitable for roughly 365 days now. Cena will win with a Five-Knuckle Shuffle, will not turn heel, and the WWE will go back to the stale product which has become the very crux of why you hate John Cena so much.
Winner: John Cena
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