TNA Slammiversary 2013 Predictions – June 2, 2013 – Predictions from Smartasses Magazine Senior Editor- Johnny Video.
TNA Slammiversary 2013 Predictions | Pay Per View Predictions – SA Magazine
Leaving you wondering “What is going to happen next?” is one thing. Leaving you totally confused is quite another, as the latter, causes one to give up and lose interest entirely. That is the very precipice TNA seems to be teetering on as of late, and it doesn’t change for Slammiversary. If where TNA left us off at on Thursday’s iMPACT were, say… three weeks ago? Fine. At least it would feel like “Chapter Three of Seven.” But we should be at “Chapter Six” right now, with Chapter Seven happening tonight… and that’s not at all how it feels. Slammiversary should be answer time, and the build up to it should at least let you know what the questions are. Frankly, with the company now only needing to build to four pay-per-views a year, there really is no excuse for such a cluster-phuck. I gave them a pass at Lockdown, simply because that was the first PPV in the new ‘fourmat’. But with three months in the books to right that ship, maybe it’s time for TNA to hire some more linear-thinking writers.
Gut Check Tournament Final
(Winner gains entry into 2013 Bound for Glory Series)
Jay Bradley vs. Sam Shaw
Who versus Whom? TNA, here’s a clue… nobody gives a sh*t. “Gut-Check” is a work, everyone knows it’s just a cheap way for you to put wrestling on television without having to pay for it, and contrary to what you may believe, throwing it into your PPV frankly isn’t “putting sugar on the pill” to help it go down easier. Conversely… putting spoiled milk in the soup to make it taste worse. Nobody cares about Gut Check, and this isn’t American Idol. Scrap it already. With that said, I’ll go with Bradley just because he seems to be more of Mr. Big Deal than Sam Shaw is.
Winner: Jay Bradley
Ultimate X: TNA X-Division Championship
Kenny King (c) vs. Suicide vs. Chris Sabin
Two things I like about this match: One, it’s an Ultimate X match, and two: RVD is nowhere to be found. Thank Avril they let No-Job-Rob’s contract expire. With that said, if this were the Magic 8-Ball, it would say “All Signs Point To Yes” in regards to Sabin winning… but it would also say the same for Suicide (worst, wrestling name ever). So, I’m going to split the difference and hope TNA uses this opportunity to get Kenny King over even more (and maybe start using him on TV a little bit more in the process) and hopefully let things with these three stew a little longer. Like I said in the opening, this feels like the middle chapters, not the end ones. Build a story here, and keep the belt on Kenny.
Winner: Kenny King
Last Knockout Standing
Gail Kim vs. Taryn Terrell
If Gail Kim has to job out to Taryn Terrell here, I’m going to personally track down Bruce Pritchard, and kick his little blushy-cheeked ass. With that said, again, we have a bit of a cluster-phuck situation going here too. Don’t get me wrong, I am ecstatic that TNA finally has more than one Knockouts storyline going at one time, but why TNA felt the need to mix the two stories last Thursday is beyond me. I love seeing Mickie James turn heel, in fact, I get the feeling that her new “tweener” role is one she is born for. But how the Mickie & Velvet Sky “argument” has even the least bit of relevance to this match, is beyond me. On that note, though I hope it doesn’t, methinks it will come into play, somehow, some way. Yawn. Either way, let’s just keep it simple: Gail Kim is Mt. Olympus’ Goddess of Wrestling, and Terrell should be bowing down to her anyway. So in that spirit, let’s just watch Taryn Eat Defeat in a good old fashioned squash match… and hopefully build to an even more fantastic Gail vs Mickie feud to take us into Bound For Glory.
Winner: Gail Kim
The Aces and Eights vs. Magnus, Samoa Joe, and Jeff Hardy
Who is even wrestling for Aces & Eights? Garrett “Daddy Loves Me” Bischoff? Wes “Family Coat Tails” Briscoe? DOC? Sneezy, Dopey & Bashful? Does it matter? It’s Jeff Hardy’s fantastic and marvelous return! Gasp! Wake the prepubescent girls! Jeff HardLy wins with a Swanton. Bet the house and car on it.
Winner: Magnus, Samoa Joe, and Jeff Hardy
TNA Tag Team Championship – Four Team Elimination
Austin Aries & Bobby Roode vs. Chavo & Hernandez (c) vs. Daniels & Kazarian vs Gunner & Storm
If Storm wasn’t working with a bad wheel, I’d give this one to he and Gunner in a heartbeat. But he is, so that’s out. Besides, TNA didn’t break up the greatest tag team in TNA history (Beer Money) just to put them both back in other tag-teams with one eighth of the appeal. Plus, the fact that Storm’s been carrying around that beer bottle should tell you something. This is all about the Cowboy exacting a little more revenge. So here’s how it will play out… just as Bobby Roode is about to get the pin, Storm is going to conk him on the noggin with the beer bottle, and set up Storm vs Roode two-point-oh for Bound For Glory. This will allow for either Chavo & Hernandez to retain, or for Bad Influence (Daniels & Kazarian) to sneak in and steal the belts. Truth be told, I think the good guys win, and in the wake of Bobby vs James… who knows? Maybe Aries and Gunner will be the two who team up with Kazarian & Daniels to reform Fourtune.
Winner: Chavo & Hernandez
Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles
To take a quote out of Dan Dierdorf’s repertoire, “This may very well be…” the most fabricated storyline in TNA lore. What are they fighting about again? Former tag-team partners… but Angle doesn’t like Style’s loner attitude… but there’s still mutual respect… but they both hate Aces & Eights… but… ugh. Again, a cluster-phuck. Again, Chapter Three not Chapter Six going into Chapter Seven. Where do we even go with this? We already know Styles isn’t joining Aces & Eights… and we already know Aces & Eights is pissed off at Styles for it, and that they also hate Kurt Angle. So again I ask, what are these two fighting about? What’s the grudge, and more importantly, why is the ending of this match even important? Personally, this is about as fun as predicting a Pee-Wee football game. The only thing I do know, is that they clearly have to go “somewhere” with Styles here, so I give the nod to him.
Winner: AJ Styles
TNA Television Championship
Joseph Park vs. Devon
Is this finally the point where it’s revealed that Park and Abyss are the same person? What was with hitting the Abyss music while Park was in the ring the other day? Again, leaving you wondering “What is going to happen next?” is one thing. Leaving you totally confused is quite another because all it causes is for one to give up and lose interest entirely… and people are seriously beginning to lose interest in this “going no-where” bit. Actually, that should probably be plural, as Aces & Eights itself is also a complete yawnfest. Which means, it needs to go “somewhere” tonight. Parks bleeds, goes into “Abyss” mode, and Black Hole Slams Devon for the win- and since sources say the Aces & Eights angle will be wrapping up sometime this Summer or early Autumn, it only makes sense that losing the Television Title should be the first blow to that end.
Winner: Joseph Park
Mystery Hall Of Fame Inductee
It should be Jeff Jarrett. It could be Kurt Angle. It better not be Hulk Hogan.
Inductee: Hulk Hogan
Mystery Free Agent Signee
I hope it’s Awesome Kong, but my money is on John Morrison… or someone getting way more hype than this deserves.
TNA World Heavyweight Championship
If Sting loses he can never wrestle for the TNA World Title again
Sting vs. Bully Ray (c)
Swerve of the night… Brooke Hogan interferes, and splits the company down the middle.
Winner: Bully Ray
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