Office In Awe Of One-Upper’s Flaunt To Double One Million Man March

A confirmed office one-upper says he’ll organize a bigger and better march than anyone else’s protest march.


Office In Awe Of One-Upper’s Plan To Double One Million Man March | Phony NewsSA Magazine

TOP NEWS: Office Workers In Genuine Awe Of One-Upper's Flaunt To Double One-Million-Man-MarchSeptember 12, 2013 – Stamford, Connecticut – A confirmed office one-upper says he will organize a much bigger and better march than anyone else’s protest march.

“I read that the Black Muslims had a, what, million man march in Washington D.C.? That’s nothing,” said Brad Landley, a junior marketing strategist who is much better and smarter than any of us. “By the way, I wrote for my college newspaper — a public ivy, for your information — and did an interview a hell of a lot better than the one you’re conducting now.

Landley said he could find, like, two million people for a march without breaking a sweat.

“And I’m not holding this thing in D.C., dude, that’s nothing,” said Landley. “I’m going to hold it in New York City, that’s a real city, probably start it in Times Square, which is where I celebrated New Year’s, by the way. Biggest party ever.”

Landley has established a record of discussing his successful initiatives around the office. In the past year, he has let his fellow office workers know that his vacation was considerably better than the ones they went on, and that his car gets way better gas mileage, despite being faster and much more powerful.

“It can pull my camper up a cliff, bro,” said Landley. “And that camper is huge, biggest one in the office.”

Jerry Falkner, who has worked next to Landley for three brutal months, and who has been assured, does not have the hottest girlfriend in the office, said he has no doubt that Landley can find a large group of people. “Landley has some type of radar when it comes to groups. A radar that is more finely honed than anyone else’s,” Falkner added. “Anytime a bunch of us is in the breakroom, or hanging out by the watercooler, Brad’s able to find us and, sort of, box us in,” said Falkner. “Then he tells us how great his fantasy football team is doing and how much better his new office chair is than everyone else’s.”

Landley thrives on manipulating group dynamics, too.

“Once we were all talking about how big of a jerk this guy in accounting was and Brad said he could be a much bigger jerk without even really trying,” said Falkner. “We all immediately agreed with him on that.”

Landley’s former supervisor, who begged to be reassigned, said that she can not think of another person in the company, who could pull off a Two Million Man March more than the young marketing executive.

“Within two hours of his first day, he was telling me how he could do my job better than me — and, in fact, claimed he did so during a summer internship at a competing firm,” said Mary Selinski. “I have no doubt that whatever Landley sets his mind to, he can say he’ll do it better.”

Landley said he hopes to have the finishing touches on his plan for the Two Million Man March in a few days — far faster than anyone else could even possibly imagine. His list of celebrity guests for the march will only include A-plus-list celebrities, like Ryan Seacrest and the guy from the Old Spice commercials.

“Suck it, Bob Geldolf, you’re not invited, you’ll have to wait for my ‘Two Million Man And One Has-Been-Organizer March’ next year,” Landley said with one of the most delightful laughs ever. Matt Swayne 


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