Top 12 Worst Possible Sequels To Sharknado

Monologue material as heard on Smartasses Radio and other fake, satirical headlines.

Top 12 Worst Possible Sequels To Sharknado | Phony NewsSA Magazine

It’s not often an 11-year-old boy gets to sing the national anthem twice during the NBA Finals, but, it’s been a surprising week for Sebastien de la Cruz of San Antonio. Known as the boy with the golden voice, the San Antonio born Mexican-American lad, belted his heart out for his home team Spurs on Tuesday night, in a moment that turned sour when racist comments began on Twitter, saying a Latino kid dressed in a mariachi outfit, should not be singing the national anthem. In response to the online vitriol, the Spurs invited Sebastien back on Thursday night for an encore performance. San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro said, “Whether Sebastien is wearing a mariachi outfit or a kilt, folks should not be surprised about a young man with brown skin, singing our national anthem. That is the America that we live in in 2013.” Castro then added that he’s more than sure, that young Sebastien, whom he endearingly refers to as “Little Spicky Spic Wetback” will grow up to make a fine dishwasher or Taco Bell manager one day.

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Top 12 Worst Possible Sequels To Sharknado
Listen to Smartasses Radio’s interview with Sharknado author, Thunder Levin!

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A spokesman for the Los Angeles city attorney’s office, says former Dodgers outfielder Milton Bradley, faces up to 7 1/2 years in prison, on nine misdemeanor counts, including assault with a deadly weapon, and battery of his estranged wife. When asked for comment, Bradley didn’t respond to specifics, but did point out that perhaps his biggest mistake, was forgetting that Monopoly was made by Parker Brothers, and that Milton Bradley games don’t come with “Get Out Of Jail Free” cards.

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Walmart Stores Incorporated, has published Simco Group’s name on its list of prohibited suppliers, and said that the clothing company was banned, due to unauthorized sub-contracting of an order to a factory called Tazreen Fashions where 112 workers died in a fire last year. To make matters worse, the day after Walmart added the Bangladesh garment maker to it’s “red” list, Simco learned it had also lost an order from U.S. retailer J.C. Penney for 500,000 pairs of pajamas– which ironically enough, means exactly 500,000 less future midnight shoppers for Walmart.

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Contemporary sculptor Daniel Edwards, whose celebrity-inspired artwork includes a life-sized nude of Britney Spears giving birth, and a statue of Angelina Jolie breast-feeding, unveiled his latest piece entitled “L.A.Fertility” on Wednesday- a life-sized nude sculpture of the 32-year-old pregnant reality star, Kim Kardashian, in a walking pose without ARMS. Edwards’ other works include- a bronze of Kardashian & Kanye West’s baby in utero, a work called “Paris Hilton Autopsy”… and another pre-natal portrait of Kate Middleton and Prince William’s child. “We’re excited!” exclaimed Garage Sales Ten Years From Now.




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Since the disastrous season 12 came to a merciful end last month, the casualties for American Idol continue, as the show’s producer Nigel Lythgoe was terminated on Friday, and both Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj confirmed last week that they’ll be joining Randy Jackson by not returning to judge the singing competition next season. So far there is no word on if Keith Urban will return, but beggared Idol producers are said to be in talks with William The Refrigerator Perry, Jose Canseco, Walter Mondale, some people who met Amy Winehouse at a party one time, and anyone who can do a reasonably good impersonation of a pissed off British guy in an undershirt.

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Wal Mart Pajama Jeans
TOP NEWS (AP) Jul 26, 2011 – Pajama Jeans dubbed “The best thing to class up Walmart Shoppers since the invention of the sleeve!”

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Following the revelation of recorded remarks in which he criticized Notre Dame, Roman Catholics and the Southeastern Conference, Ohio State University President Gordon Gee announced his retirement on Tuesday, through the university. Gee, whose success as a college president has often been overshadowed by verbal gaffes, said last week, “I am deeply sorry for the discomfort I caused, which was wholly unintentional. I want to apologize to all who were offended by my remarks, to the University community, and to our entire Ohio State family.” Gee then added, “Monkey stink banana sloop. Pants go jumpy-jump pookie bears.”

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The 32-year old veteran IRS official, involved in both an Internal Revenue Service ‘Star Trek’ training video spoof, and a 2010 conference cited for wasteful spending, apologized before a congressional hearing on Thursday, acknowledging that video parodies, fancy hotel suites and other excesses funded by taxpayers, never should have happened. “It’s embarrassing, and I apologize,” said Faris Fink, who played Mr. Spock in the now infamous IRS training video, which now begs the question, “What’s funnier? An IRS man named ‘Fink’, or that nobody wants you to ‘Live Long and Prosper’ more than the IRS?

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While Joe Namath wore a warm smile, cutting the ribbon at the Pro Football Hall of Fame’s new 33,000 square-foot expansion on Saturday, he did not shy away from his opinions on a number of topics related to his beloved former team, the New York Jets. “They need to improve their play, but I wouldn’t write them off,” Namath noted, and then had some advice for former Jet’s backup, Tim Tebow, “The only thing that has been problematic for Tim, is being a good passer and throwing the various routes that are run while passing the ball accurately.” Somebody then handed Broadway Joe another bourbon, and politely explained to him, that he’d literally just described, absolutely everything an NFL quarterback is hired to do.

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