NFL Says Just Play the Stupid 2016 Pro Bowl on Madden




NFL Says Just Play the Stupid 2016 Pro Bowl on Madden | Phony NewsSA Magazine

January 29, 2016 – Canton, Ohio – On the heels of the most declined invitations in Pro Bowl history, NFL Czar Roger Goodell has resigned to “Just play the damn thing on Madden.”

NFL Says Just Play the Stupid 2016 Pro Bowl on MaddenIf there are two things that Roger Goodell, Majesty of the National Football League is known for, it is thinking outside the box, and his never ending wish to just make people happy. Since his coronation as the undisputed Caliph of American football in 2006, Goodell has racked his brain and stayed up many a late night, just to provide fresh and innovative ideas for our favorite autumn pastime– but never for his own designs, only in an everlasting and interminable effort to spread joy, and please every single person on the planet. In fact, there is probably no NFL player or fan, alive or dead, who would not describe Shah Roger Goodell as an eleemosynary emperor. The very same Roger Goodell who, in an effort to appease each and every individual on our blue globe that makes up the proverbial masses, came up with the deviceful notions of eliminating kickoffs, sticking a team in England, changing the decades long tradition of where the extra point kick is spotted, and making the NFL game an Olympic sport – all to the delight and gratitude of his myriad of allegiant and devoted buffs. Ask anyone ever drafted by an NFL franchise, and they’ll tell you with a starry gleam in their eye, that Imperator Goodell is the axiomatic salt of the earth, whose Draft Day hugs are long, deep, upright and ingenuous.

So it should come as no surprise that, in the wake of the record shattering number of honored professional football players dropping out of the once eminent NFL Pro Bowl, the benevolent and chivalrous gridiron potentate has finally reached his wit’s end in his relentless effort to please both fans and players alike, has thrown up his noble hands in perplexity and stupefaction, while coming to the stomach-sickening conclusion that on this proposition there just is no pleasing everyone, and has arduously decreed, “Just play the damn game on Madden.”

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“What if we had the Pro Bowl cheerleaders have pillow fights?”

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Roger Goodell Says Just Play the Stupid 2016 Pro Bowl on MaddenSadly, the numbers are indeed staggering. Each squad is supposed to field 44 men, meaning, if every venerated player were to participate in the fantastic and illustrious all-star gala that is the NFL Pro Bowl, there would be a grand total of 88 athletes invited. This year, 133 players were given distinguished invitations, which adds up to 45 replacements– thanks to the rejected invitations of self-centered, egomaniacal and ungrateful superjocks- the most in Pro Bowl history. Many of whom, according to Maharajah Roger, “Don’t even have good excuses.” Wistfully, unlike the fourteen players from the Panthers and Broncos who will be participating in Super Bowl 50, many of those who declined are just soporific boors who simply don’t want to play. Philip Rivers declined because “It’s a school week for his family, and he and wife Tiffany welcomed their sixth daughter and eighth child in October,” wrote the San Diego Union-Tribune. Brandon Marshall said the dog ate his plane tickets. Even Packers coach Mike McCarthy declined to participate due to a “stomach illness”. Not to mention, seven players were selected from the Patriots, King Goodell’s most cherished franchise, and yet all seven declined his generous summons to play in the celebrious NFL merrymaking. Is it any wonder then that the despondent yet magnificent pigskin pasha brandished two clenched fists in the air to proclaim his frustration, then weightily threw in the towel and pronounced “Fine. Let the babies have their way.”

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To make matters worse, though it’s been thoroughly documented that Baron Goodell tried to rid the league of it’s All Star Game once before, the bounteous magistrate says nothing but being a giving fairy godparent to his legions of NFL devotees has ever entered his mind. “I would never try to eliminate this treasured showdown of hippodrome leviathans of my own volition” affirms the tenderhearted NFL monarch, “It’s only because of these selfish, unappreciative, thoughtless blockheads, who only look out for number one, that I have reached this decision. I actually had a lot of good ideas to make the game more exciting. People call the Pro Bowl a ‘pillow fight’ because of the relaxed rules to prevent injury. Well, what if we had the Pro Bowl cheerleaders have pillow fights? That would be entertaining. What if we did a thing at halftime, where, instead of a charity car wash, we actually soap up and hose down that unshowered guy from the FanDuel commercials? I even thought about putting actual pots of gold doubloons at the end of one of those famous Hawaiian rainbows we’re always hearing about, or having players with goofy names like Babe Laufenberg or Cory Lekkerkerker captain the teams instead of Deion and Michael Irvin. But no one wants to play, so we won’t. We’ll play the game with the same players, but on Madden instead, and maybe we’ll just show it on the jumbo-vision inside Aloha Stadium. I guess we could have the real players log in from their X-box over the Internet, and we could show them in their pajamas inside their living rooms, with corn chip crumbs all over their nightshirts. Maybe Doritos will even sponsor it or something. I’m just so high from all the Pepto Bismol, it’s difficult to think of everything right now.”

The NFL Pro Bowl airs live, Sunday, January 31 at 7:00 PM ET on ESPN. Liora Jynx 

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