Top 12 Failed Toilet Paper Names

Talk Show Monologue Jokes and other fake, satirical headlines, as heard on Smartasses Radio.




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Top 12 Failed Toilet Paper Names | ArticlesSmartasses Magazine

The President’s trip to the Mount Rushmore State on Friday, officially made Barack Obama only the fourth commander-in-chief in history to visit every single state. When asked why he hadn’t visited South Dakota sooner, the President stated that he was under the impression that during the 2008 downsizing we’d just given it to Canada.

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Top 12 Failed Toilet Paper Names

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More Phony News

In science news, researchers remain confused on how the bombardier beetle, who earned it’s name due to the way it sprays a toxic liquid on predators at the speed of a jetliner, is able to administer this deadly spray without inflicting any damage onto itself. In a related story, the ears of every single one of Bill Cosby’s past girlfriends just perked up.

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The eyes of major league baseball will be on banned-major leaguer Pete Rose, when he makes his official debut as an analyst in the baseball studio for FOX. Though no official start date has been set for him, many believe he could debut as early as this week, but Vegas has 2-1 odds that it will be the week after.

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Prince and Prince Fielder Freddy Gray - Smartasses MagazineDays after recording a protest song in the aftermath of the Freddie Gray protests, R&B Rocker Prince has announced a Mother’s Day Rally For Peace concert in Baltimore. The show is slated to take place at the Royal Farms Arena. Not to be outdone, Texas Rangers overweight first baseman Prince Fielder says that, when he and the team visit Oriole Park at Camden Yards at the end of June, he will eat thirteen hot dogs and personally visit the crapper.

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After a night of relatively peaceful protests on Saturday, the city of Baltimore lifted it’s curfew on Sunday morning. However, the curfew was quickly reinstated Sunday afternoon, after throngs of pissed off Filipinos showed up in Baltimore Harbor, looking for a few windows to smash after the shitty Pacquiao-Mayweather decision.

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On NBC’s Meet the Press, Republican House Speaker John Boehner stated, when asked if there was too much money tied up in election campaigns, “We spend more money on antacids than we do on politics.” While the claim is not only false, seeing as how the antacid industry only spent roughly $2 billion domestically, compared to the $3.7 billion spent on federal campaigns, Boehner also failed to point out that the reason most Americans spend any money on antacids, is because of Politics.

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Does A Bear Shit In The Woods?

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A new survey by AAA reveals that automobile drivers are more likely to travel when gas prices are low. In another poll, conducted by AdmiralObvious.com, 68% of women say they are also more likely to have babies when they’re pregnant.

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As much as people try to knock him when he says it out loud, Hulk Hogan is still pretty adamant that when WrestleMania 32 rolls around next year in Dallas, he’ll be competing in a match against someone. The subject of stepping into the ring was brought up during a recent WWE tour the Hulkster is promoting in Australia, and early speculation is that he’ll be involved in some kind of a casket match with The Undertaker— but not to throw someone in it, rather, to see which nearly deceased wrestler can be exhumed out of it first.

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© Smartasses Magazine

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