Talk Show Monologue Jokes – Smartasses Radio

Talk Show Jokes as heard on Smartasses Radio and other fake, satirical headlines.




.

Talk Show MonologueJokes | Phony NewsSmartasses Magazine

Kim Kardashian was spotted on the red carpet the other day in Atlanta. Regarding her pregnancy she stated, “It’s not easy. It hurts sometimes. Sometimes I get sick and it’s getting harder to move around.” Later that evening, Kardashian was equally surprised to learn that snow is white, the Earth is round, and clouds are formed by water molecules, as opposed to periwinkle, square, and the cotton candy of Twinkle Pixies.

.

President Obama stated recently, that the much anticipated debate regarding immigration would take place in April. Obama was on record as saying, “We certainly want to welcome the best and brightest from other countries.” but added “The country needs a higher level of border control, and tougher laws on illegal immigrants.” When asked why the debate was being pushed back to April, Obama cited that they needed time to find a new catering crew, since the previous White House kitchen staff had snuck out the night before and climbed in a van headed back to Mexico.

.

As most of you know, March Madness began the path to wrapping things up yesterday, as the fourth of six rounds concluded, giving us our Final Four NCAA Basketball teams for the twenty-twelve twenty-thirteen season. Taking the East and South divisions respectively were the Michigan Wolverines and the Syracuse Orange, and over in the Midwest and West are the Louisville Cardinals, and the Wichita State… Err-Umm-Something Or Others.

.

Robert Griffin III, apparently takes his women’s basketball pretty seriously. After his beloved Baylor Bears women’s team – the defending champion and across-the-board favorite to go all the way in 2013 – were stunned by Louisville, 82-81, in the round of sixteen, the Washington Redskins quarterback took to Twitter, posting no fewer than a dozen tweets, admonishing the rough play of the Louisville Cardinal Women and the less than stellar refereeing. Now that the season is over for the Baylor Bears Women’s Basketball team, RG 3 states that he’s now going to focus his tweets on former Redskins quarterback Joe Theisman’s Super Beta Prostate commercials, Sally Field movies on the Lifetime Network, and a number of other things that, not unlike Women’s Basketball, nobody else on Earth cares about.

.

Major League Baseball opened last night, as the Texas Rangers traveled to take on the now American League franchise Houston Astros. The Astros, and their spiffy new uniforms,- made an impressive American League debut, after trouncing the Texas Rangers 8-2 in nine innings. In other baseball news, even though they have yet to play a game, the Kansas City Royals, Pittsburgh Pirates, and Chicago Cubs have already been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

.

Brett Favre Still A Wrangler Guy - Smartasses Magazine
TOP NEWS: (AP) April 17, 2013 – Brett Favre is still a Wrangler guy. Reports indicate that he always will be.

.

A well known, and avid basketball aficionado President Obama was ice cold on the basketball court yesterday during the White House’s annual Easter Egg Roll festivities. Shooting hoops with children and members of the Washington Wizards, the president sank just two of twenty-two shots. Obama’s first shot hit the rim, circled and dropped outside and at one point, he began a painful series of misses and air balls, including thirteen missed shots in a row. And in related Presidential Easter news, former President George W. Bush was spotted on the White House lawn earlier today, still trying to find that pesky twentieth Easter egg.

.

The season three finale for The Walking Dead aired last night and the show, entitled, Welcome to the Tombs proved to have the shocking ending fans were looking for. The show opened with the Governor beating up Milton for burning the walkers, and concluded with the rising sun shedding light on a wooden cross outside the prison. However, perhaps the show’s most shocking moment of all was when the show concluded, faded to black, and millions of Americans collectively shouted, “Oh my god, we forgot about our JOBS!”

.

Did you hear about this new 2013 Ford Fusion being pitched as an allergy fighter? Apparently, The automakers say that the 2013 Ford Fusion may be one of the best solutions available to allergy-stricken consumers this Spring as the sedan was designed to minimize pollen and skin irritants, as well as warn drivers of possible allergy triggers at their destination. In a related story, Claritin, still does absolutely nothing.

.

In a visit to Martin Luther King Jr. Academic Magnet High School on Saturday, First Lady Michelle Obama had some advice for Tennessee high school graduates, stating, “Strike your own path, in college, and life, and work, to overcome inevitable failures with determination and grit,” and later added that, “failure may be a part of their college lives and careers, and that how they respond to any pitfalls is what will define them.” In related news, millions of out of work Americans standing in soup lines said, “Hey. Yeah. That’s great advice. We’ll try that.”

.

© Smartasses Magazine – © Smartasses Radio

.