Terrell Owens Takes Up Bowling

Now 39 years old and likely done as an NFL player, Terrell Owens is taking up a new sport.

Terrell Owens Takes Up Bowling | Phony NewsSmartasses Magazine

Now 39 years old and likely done as an NFL player, Terrell Owens is taking up a new sport. As the celebrity owner of the Dallas Strikers, one of eight five-player teams in the new Professional Bowlers Association League, T.O. made his semi-professional bowling debut this week, rolling games of 185, 129 and 161 for a 475 series in the United States Bowling Congress Open Championship. “I have a lot of stuff going on right now, but there happened to be a break in my schedule,” Owens told bowl.com. “I wanted to experience this tournament, and the experience was good. I’m really into bowling, and I like it a lot.” Fans were surprised when Owens did not pull out a Sharpie and sign the bowling ball after throwing his first strike, but perhaps even more shocking is that Owens is the first black man in history, to ever say, “I’m really into bowling.”

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Scared Ronald McDonaldDon Thompson, the CEO of McDonald’s, found himself in the hotseat at the annual shareholder meeting on Thursday when he was confronted during the question and answer part of the meeting, by 9-year-old Hannah Robertson. “Something that I don’t think is fair,” said Hannah “is when big companies try to trick kids into eating food that isn’t good for them by using toys and cartoon characters.” The fourth-grader then later asked, “Mr. Thompson, don’t you want kids to be healthy so they can live a long and happy life?”

Thompson pointed out that McDonald’s serves fruits & vegetables and includes apples in its Happy Meals, but still, Hannah’s scolding of the CEO has attracted much praise. So much in fact, that it’s now being reported that, inspired by Hannah Robertson’s bravery, a group of Illinois third-graders have hit the streets of Oak Brook, in a quest to hunt down Ronald McDonald, and kick his red and yellow ass.

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Reporters and photographers were evacuated briefly from the White House early Saturday morning, because of smoke from an overheated transformer in a mechanical room closet, on the first floor of the West Wing. Journalists were allowed back into the building about an hour later, and Secret Service spokesman Max Milien said, that President Obama and his family were not affected by the incident and no injuries were reported. However, despite the transformer problem being quickly resolved, Megatron and his tricky band of Decepticons are still being called in for questioning.

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Johnny Depp's Weirdo RolesIt’s yet to be confirmed, but supposedly, actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are Hollywood’s newest couple. Allegedly, Depp, recently ended his fourteen-year relationship with Vanessa Paradis while he and his ‘Rum Diary’ co-star, Amber Heard, fell madly in lust. After the fall-out from Johnny leaving Vanessa, Heard and Depp made their first public appearance at a Rolling Stones concert earlier this month, and now it’s being rumored that they’re engaged- which, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense… that the newest lesbian in Hollywood would hook up with the one dude that every guy says they’d go gay with.

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It was revealed Thursday night, that Randy Jackson, the lone remaining original American Idol judge, won’t be returning to the FOX talent competition next season. Jackson was quoted, “To put all of the speculation to the rest, after twelve years of judging on American Idol, I have decided to leave after this season.” When asked in a nationwide poll on whether or not Randy Jackson’s departure came as a shock or not, ninety-seven percent of online voters responded with, “I’m sorry, who exactly is Randy Jackson again?”

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Obama Wan KenobiPresident Obama’s decision, to impose more restrictive rules governing U.S. drone strikes along the Afghan border, could pave the way for better relations with Pakistan, officials and analysts said on Friday. “Obama has finally responded to the popular sentiment in this country,” said Mushahid Hussain, chairman of the defense committee in the Pakistani Senate, and applauded President Obama for finally breaking his silence on the topic. Top Pakistani officials claim that in the past, much to their dismay, the only way the President would ever comment on the topic, would be to put on a robe, refer to himself as Obama Wan Kenobi, and recite, “These are not the drones you are looking for.”

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LEGO Star Wars The Yoda Chronicles
To celebrate the new Cartoon Network animated series, LEGO Star Wars: The Yoda Chronicles, LEGO unveiled a life-sized LEGO replica of an X-Wing fighter in Times Square last Wednesday. It took over 5.3 million LEGO bricks to construct the forty-four-foot-wingspan X-Wing, and took thirty-two master builders a combined total of 17,336 hours to complete. New York City onlookers gasped in awe over the eleven foot tall Star Wars replica, but the fun quickly ended when the master builder’s moms showed up, told them to “clean up this mess” and get to bed.

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On Thursday, on a flight from Lithuania to the UK, three would be tobacco smugglers were busted hiding thousands of illicit cigarettes, in specially designed multi-pocketed waistcoats, concealed underneath their clothing. The three men stored large cartons in deep concealed pockets, which border officials referred to as an ‘unusual and quite convincing concealment’, but nonetheless, UK border officials found 3,800 cigarettes stashed on their bodies when they were finally searched at Leeds Bradford International Airport. With bulky objects protruding from under their jackets, most officers and passengers, though suspicious, initially chalked up their bizarre appearance as nothing more than comedic ‘fat suits’, but unfortunately for the bootleggers, the jig was up when a young lad from Estonia politely asked one of the men, “May I have your autograph, Miss Kardashian?”

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NY Jets quarterback Geno Smith, portrayed by several NFL media reports as a diva with a questionable work ethic, absorbed many post-draft pot shots before he took his first snap at the NY Jets minicamp on Friday. Geno’s decision to fire his agents after falling out of the first round of the draft further emboldened his critics, and reports that he was preoccupied with texting friends during several pre-draft team visits, painted an even more unflattering picture of him as a diva. “Maybe I don’t know what diva behavior looks like,” Jet’s coach Rex Ryan said Friday, “but he certainly didn’t do it here.” Smith himself said after practice.“I don’t pay attention to any of the diva talk. I’m focused on bettering myself daily, and just trying to be one of the guys.” The rookie from West Virginia then excused himself, grabbed his purse, and headed out to meet Coach Ryan for cosmopolitans and fur shopping.

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