More Talk Show Jokes – Smartasses Radio

Monologue Jokes as heard on Smartasses Radio and other fake, satirical headlines.




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Talk Show Jokes | Phony NewsSmartasses Magazine

On the eve of the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum, located on the campus of Southern Methodist University where Laura Bush once studied, former President George W. Bush offered some political insights, regarding his brother Jeb and the 2016 Presidency. Bush told Parade Magazine, “He’s very articulate. He could deliver a convention speech in Spanish, and in my judgment, he’s right on the issues. He would be the best candidate.” which is a lot like saying, “Hi. My name is Agent Orange. Now that you’ve breathed me, why not try some asbestos?”

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New Kids On The Block took to the stage at the iHeartRadio Theater Friday night, as the Boston boy band played songs from their new album “10,” as well as favorites from their catalog of late ’80s favorites, for a mostly-female crowd of fans. The night’s lone surprise however, came when member Jonathan Knight walked off the stage halfway through the hour-long set and did not return. When asked later, what prompted the disappearance, Jonathon denied allegations that it was stomach problems or anxiety issues by stating, “No no, it’s just that after 29 years I realized, Oh My God I’m a member of New Kids On The Block! Why haven’t I killed myself??”

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With hips swinging, South Korean rapper Psy launched his new dance & video of his new song “Gentleman” at a packed full concert on Saturday, with nearly 160,000 tuned in online to see if he could carry off a repeat of his mega-hit Gangnam Style. On the other side of the Korean Peninsula  North Korean soldiers were seen aiming new missiles due-south, with the letters P-S-Y painted on the side of them.

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As war mongering from Kim Jong Un reached ear splitting levels this past week, the United States and China have pledged to work together towards a nuclear-free North Korea, and in that effort, the United States sent Secretary of State John Kerry over to Asia to meet with Chinese leaders. When asked what his plans were, Kerry noted that the US had originally planned to send a larger contingency of diplomats to accompany him, but they didn’t want to bother China with bumming gas money, and hitting them up to cover plane fares.

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Francine Wheeler, the mother of one of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting victims, stepped in for Obama on Saturday, to deliver the weekly White House address and urge Congress to pass stricter laws on gun control. In a similar story, Alma Harzonfarr, who temporarily lost her son in a local West Virginia Walmart, urged store greeters for stricter control over freaks coming in at night and shopping in their pajamas.

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Claus Hjelmbak, a celebrity broker and close personal friend of Lindsay Lohan told Radar Online the other day, that he wants the troubled and possibly pregnant actress to stay away from the Coachella Music Festival this upcoming weekend. He added, “Lindsay is in a dark place right now, and for someone struggling with addiction, the amount of drugs and alcohol at Coachella is just a recipe for disaster waiting to happen.” On Thursday, wearing only a skimpy Sailor Moon outfit, Lohan appeared on the FX Channel’s Charlie Sheen comedy, Anger Management- Because wearing a slutty schoolgirl uniform and palling around with a sex-addict slash drug-abuser like Charlie Sheen is so much safer than Coachella.

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Disney's Chimpanzee And Dizney's Jim Pansy
TOP NEWS: (AP) April 20, 2012 – Milwaukee, WI — Disney’s Chimpanzee kicks ass at the box office. In other news, local wimp Jim Pansy gets his ass kicked by area bully Jake Dizney, who gets it on camera, and watches it repeatedly while laughing with his buddies

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Next week, Comedy Central will host a five-day comedy festival that includes a lineup of legends like Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner, but there will be no bar-stools on stage, or two-drink minimums. The festival, shockingly enough, will take place entirely on Twitter, with comedians posting video snippets of routines, and posting jokes using the hashtag- #ComedyFest. This new partnership between Comedy Central and Twitter, represents the evolving relationship between television and social media. In other news, MySpace, Google Plus and the video sharing service Tout, were all said to have their fingers crossed, hoping to ink similar deals with Red Meat, Skinny Jeans For Dudes, HAM Radio, or anyone that would pinky-swear promise to use them.

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A zoo in Great Britain, carried out artificial insemination on Sunday, on a giant female panda, in hopes of increasing her chances of getting pregnant. Scientists at Edinburgh Zoo, who were observing the female panda named “Sweetie,” said that they weren’t sure whether the artificial insemination would work or not. In a follow-up story, just in case it works, Angelina Jolie has already adopted it.

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Gunfire erupted at a Colorado marijuana celebration on Saturday, injuring two people and a dog, and scattering a crowd of thousands at a downtown Denver park, in what marked the first 4:20 counterculture holiday, since the state legalized weed last November. Because nothing’s going make the other 48 states legalize pot, like getting insanely high and shooting two people and a puppy, in one of the two states that barely did.

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On Sunday, investigators and town officials reported, that they have located the spot, where the horrific West Fertilizer Company plant explosion occurred, and rocked the town of West, Texas just before 8 PM. local time on Wednesday, but do not yet know what triggered the deadly blast. West, Texas, fire officials said at a news briefing, that even though they’ve been able to pinpoint the seat of Wednesday’s massive explosion, there is still no evidence of criminal activity. Meanwhile, producers of Spike TV’s cult television show, 1,000 Ways To Die, all breathed a collective sigh of relief, thankful that the title “When The Shit Hits The Fan” is still in the “maybe” column.

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In a clever, groundbreaking study published Thursday in the journal Science, researchers showed that humpback whales, who learned to whack the water with their tail fins to attract prey, can actually learn socially- addressing the long-contentious question among animal experts: Is animal behavior determined only by genes and individual learning, or can animals, learn by observing others, adapt to their environment, and pick up on the social cues of a society? In a related study, it was also recently proved, that Republicans, can not.

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