“Secret Hollywood Illuminati have confirmed, Mark Ruffalo is set to replace Samuel L Jackson as their sanctioned “Guy in every single f*cking movie.”
Mark Ruffalo Replacing Samuel L Jackson as “Guy In Every F*cking Movie” | Phony News – SMAG
July 20, 2016 – Burbank, California – In a leaked story from the entertainment industry, which was most assuredly supposed to be one of the deepest, darkest secrets ever to be held by the mysterious Hollywood illuminati, Hollywood news sources have recently confirmed that 48 year old actor Mark Ruffalo, best known for his roles in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, 54, Shutter Island, Collateral, Date Night, The Avengers, Iron Man 3, Now You See Me, Begin Again, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Now You See Me 2, Thor: Ragnarok and A Fish in the Bathtub, is surprisingly set to officially supplant film industry icon Samuel L Jackson, as Hollywood’s sanctioned “Guy you see in every single f*cking movie.”
Speaking on the basis of strict anonymity, the head of the shrouded Tinseltown Illuminati, who may or may not have once starred on a Thursday night NBC show about nothing during the nineties, has verified from the sitting room inside the secret society’s underground lair, that not only is this change set to take place imminently, but that, it is in fact gospel truth, that 67 year old actor Samuel L Jackson, has verily appeared in every movie ever made.
Though this allegation assuredly seems preposterous to many, with the cat out of the bag and the story leaked, our unnamed source, who may or may not have created the short-lived NBC game show The Marriage Ref, saw no need for further reservation, and explained that Mr Jackson has categorically executed the dauntless task of appearing in every indivisible Hollywood, Bollywood, and Vancouver film production since the dawn of time. “Sometimes you may not even realize he’s there” said the incognito chieftain of Movietown’s intelligentsia, who may or may not enjoy imbibing coffee with well-known funny-men in classic four-wheelers on the Internet channel Crackle, “But we know he gets into your brain subconsciously, and that’s been good for our underhanded purposes. So if you’ve ever said to yourself, ‘Damn! Is this f*cking guy in every single f*cking movie ever made, or what?’ The answer is yes.”
Still, some balk at these claims, saying that, if there is anyone who is in every single f*cking movie ever made, it’s Eric Roberts. “No. He’s just in every bad movie” says the unknown headmaster of the surreptitious motion picture industry order, who may or may not have gained fame in the eighties by doing standup comedy regarding life’s minutiae on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, “And before you say Jason Bateman or Melissa McCarthy, they just play the same character over and over. But they’re not in every film.”
When the unspecified head honcho of the hidden silver-screen guild was engaged with the logistical problem of it not being physically possible to have appeared in every single f*cking film ever made without the use of a surely fantastical time machine capable of traveling to the last quarter of the nineteenth century, or at the very least, able to bend space into a paradox which would allow individuals to transport their physical body and spirit to other realms or dimensions outside of our own, the incognito sparkplug of the veiled cinematography brotherhood, whose initials may or may not be J.S., remains tight-lipped.
When asked, “Why Samuel L Jackson?” the answer was given matter-of-factly, “He had the best catchphrases.”
Conversely, when poised with the query, “Then why the change?” the answer was almost one of sorrow, “It was the Visa commercials. If only Sammy hadn’t done those damn Visa commercials. No one cares what’s in their wallet.”
While it is true, that the African-American Hateful Eight star did rise to become the highest grossing actor in history, with over $7.5 billion in box office receipts to date, thanks chiefly to his witty vernacular with John Travolta in 1994’s Pulp Fiction– now that the veil has been lifted on just how many films he has indeed appeared in, it also seems quite possible that he’s employed the colloquialisms “nigga” and “mother-f*cker” in every single one of those flicks as well. In fact, with so many profoundly belligerent quotes under his proverbial Mace Windu Jedi belt, it’s difficult to imagine a B renegade cop movie without an eye-patched Samuel L Jackson as the potty-mouthed ringleader of an underground government task force, or anyone else portraying the pugnacious yet endearing street thug who possesses both a heart of gold and an equally hearty endowment for well enunciated verbosity. Indeed, puzzling as it may be, those truly unique and completely original roles will now go to Ruffalo.
To that end, we asked the nameless spokesperson of the preeminently enlightened west coast film industry comradeship, who may or may not be great pals with Curb Your Enthusiasm creator Larry David, why it has suddenly become Ruffalo’s time to take the reigns as the guy you see in every single f*cking movie. The answer contained only two words, “He’s fuzzy.”
While nobody can be certain as to exactly what that means, one can only assort it as probable canon, critical to the delicate innerworkings and fettle of the mystic picture show fraternity, that is the La La Land Illuminati. When we attempted to reach Ruffalo for input, the swarthy haired Foxcatcher star declined to comment, on the basis that he was too busy filming his next 743 films. – Derk Steele
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