Comedy Genius Changes Fantasy Team From Stankees to A-Roids

 

Local legend in the world of fantasy sports, has reportedly struck “comedic gold” yet again.

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Comedy Genius Changes Fantasy Team From Stankees to A-Roids | Phony NewsSA Magazine

Comedy Genius Changes Fantasy Team From Stankees to A-Roids | Phony News – SA MagazineJuly 13, 2013 – Bismarck, ND: Jimmy Higginbotham, a local legend in the nefarious and often brutal world of fantasy sports, has reportedly struck “comedic gold” yet again, after changing the name of his fantasy baseball team, in midseason, from the “New Yawk Stankees”, to “The A-Roids.”

“Jimmy has always had a penchant for turning a play on words from obscurity, to hilarity,” says fellow fantasy-leaguer Billy Moonbright, who purports himself to be a pal of the comedic genius and Yankee-hater, and claims to have known him since second grade. “Whether it was the ‘Bismarck Iceholes’ that year we played Fantasy Hockey, the way he cleverly named his Fantasy Football team the ‘San Francisco 69ers’ instead of the 49ers… which almost everyone was jealous of, or his current shrewd and gut-busting word twist, poking fun at Alex Rodriguez’s present-day performance-enhancing drug scandal– Jimmy’s nimble mind is always coming up with crackerjack team names that keeps the whole league on pins and needles.”

Surprising to most, Higginbotham, 22, has never considered doing stand-up, but remains content playing Tiger Woods Golf, and bagging groceries at his nearby Sparkle Market– a job which he has held for almost a year and a half now. That is not to say however, that the gears of his mirthful mind are not constantly working on sending up what will assuredly be the next ‘Badlands Beer League’ knee-slapper. “I thought about changing the name of my fantasy basketball team from the New Yawk Dicks to The Mustache Riders once, but I just haven’t pulled the trigger yet. For now, I kinda just wanna make fun of those East Coast snobs, because they think they’re so big.” – Liora Jynx

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Just when you thought there was nothing worse than being named “Starkeema”, a woman named Starkeema Greenidge is claiming that she contracted Herpes from a cosmetics-counter sample of Rihanna’s “RiRi Woo” lipstick, and has now filed a lawsuit against MAC cosmetics. Starkeema’s lawyers claim that the sales assistant gave her a sample tube of Rhianna’s popular lipstick brand, that had been used by other patrons- which resulted two days later in a cold sore… and a doctor’s diagnosis of oral herpes. Starkeema is reportedly seeking damages caused by negligence, for “mental anguish and emotional distress” but the defense isn’t buying Starkeema’s allegations. “It doesn’t matter if the lipstick is shared or not shared, “said MAC Cosmetics attorneys, “It’s a perfectly normal effect. Chris Brown used to give Rihanna a fat lip for wearing that lipstick every day.”

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Curious George - Gun Rhymes With FunSarah Palin got a standing ovation, for blasting President Barack Obama at a National Rifle Association’s annual meeting Friday. The former vice presidential candidate, wearing a T-shirt displaying deer antlers and reading “Women Hunt,” told the crowd during her twelve-minute speech, that Trigger is her son Trigg’s nickname, and Remington is her nephew’s middle name. Palin cited, that a Republican could never have gotten away with Obama’s recent actions to pass new gun laws, citing how former President George W. Bush got “torn apart” for using images from 9/11 during his reelection bid in 2004, but Obama was not criticized for using mourning parents of Sandy Hook Elementary School victims as backdrops for anti-gun rallies. The former Alaska Governor then went on to discuss plans for her new book, Curious George Wonders Why Gun Rhymes With Fun.

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Rising carbon dioxide levels, it turns out, have been having a “fertilization effect,” increasing foliage around the globe to our planet’s arid regions. “Lots of papers have speculated about the CO2 effect,” said Randall Donohue of the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization, “but it has been very difficult to prove. Up until this point, we’ve linked the greening to fairly obvious climatic variables, such as a rise in temperature where it’s normally cold, or a rise in rainfall where it is normally dry.” However, the team of CO2 researchers predicted that there would be a 5 to 10 percent increase in foliage, correlating with the 14 percent increase in carbon dioxide, and indeed the data showed an eleven percent increase in greenery from 1982 to 2010. “That shows strong support for our hypothesis,” Donohue concluded. When asked where the largest increases in foliage occurred, Donohue said that the studies focused on the southwestern corner of North America, Australia’s Outback, the Middle East, and the parking lot next to Rush Limbaugh’s studio.

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Women’s Wear Daily reported that the Kardashian sistersKourtney, Kim and Khloe, were forced to rename their Khroma Beauty line, after nearly a year-long trademark battle with the Florida-based cosmetics company named, Kroma. “We’re confident that it’s not the name that matters to our fans,” a representative told Women’s Wear Daily, “but the Kardashian sisters’ commitment to making this line a true reflection of their love for cosmetics.” The reality star sisters finally settled on the name Kardashian Beauty, after giving due consideration to the names K-H-Mart, Coca-Khloe, McDashian, and “Make-Up: Because We’re Rich And We’re Fat.”

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Khloe Kardashian's Ass
TOP NEWS: Astronomers have spotted the most distant, massive star explosion, of its kind, a supernova that could help scientists better understand the nature of the universe. Using the Hubble Space Telescope, scientists recently caught sight of Supernova “SN Wilson” which exploded more than 10 billion years ago, which obviously means that it took more than 10 billion years for the light of this violent star explosion to reach the Earth. In spite of the cumbersome time delay, scientists believe that they still could have seen the dramatic event a few days earlier, but unfortunately, Khloe Kardashian’s ass was in the way.

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Lil Wayne, who was a major spokesperson for PepsiCo’s Mountain Dew brand, will no longer do Mountain Dew commercials. Wayne began appearing in Dew ads in early 2012, but the soda company announced on Friday that it’s dropping the rapper, over a rap verse in which he compared the beating of Emmett Till to rough sex. And wow, here we thought it was just because he sucks, and no one should have ever hired Li’l Wayne to do anything in the first place.

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In Milwaukee Wisconsin, a city fire inspector ordered that a ceiling full of women’s bras be taken down at a South Side holler-house known as Marcy’s bar, which has adopted the ritual of women-partiers hanging bras from the rafters for well over 45 years. Unfortunately however, the Milwaukee city fire inspector saw all of those hanging bras as more of a potential fire hazard, than a tribute to generations of good times, and ordered the flammable undergarments to be taken down. In a related story, in a van bearing the slogan “Women’s Lib Lives!”, a grinning Anita Bryant and Jane Fonda were recently spotted headed to Milwaukee with a fresh load of Duraflame logs and match sticks.

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Justin Bieber was booed at the Billboard Music Awards, despite winning two awards and performing twice. The “Beauty and the Beat” singer was accepting the Milestone Award when the crowd seemed to erupt in boos. Looking a bit confused, Bieber went on to assert that he thinks only the craft and his music should be considered, arguing that “none of the other bull” mattered. While it’s unclear what Bieber was referencing, it’s not the first time Bieber has been booed, as he’s previously encountered similar reactions at a Canadian Football Game, a New York Knicks basketball game and even at one of his own concerts. As Bieber has had a number of bad public relations moments as of late, having lost his temper with the paparazzi in London and being caught smoking marijuana, Bieber insists, “This is not a gimmick. I’m an artist and I should be taken seriously.” In a hauntingly similar story, Billy Dobson, a 5 year old kindergarten student from Battle Creek Michigan, after being teased by his older sister for skid marks in his underpants, reportedly ran to his mom in tears and declared, “I’m not a baby!”

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