Expiration Date Looms For Urbana’s Milk Gallon

“Less than half of the servings in the gallon of 2% milk that the City of Urbana, Ohio recently procured for their office cafeteria have been consumed.”


Expiration Date Looms For City Of Urbana’s Milk Gallon | Phony NewsSA Magazine

Expiration Date Looms For City Of Urbana's Milk Gallon - The City of Urbana Breakroom
Urbana, Ohio: City officials enjoy a hearty lunch in the City of Urbana cafeteria, despite the impending milk expiration date.

TOP NEWS: October 23, 2013 – Urbana, Ohio – Despite days of dire warnings and hundreds of pennies in taxpayer dollars, less than half of the estimated 32 servings in the gallon of 2% milk that the government of the City of Urbana, Ohio, recently procured for their office cafeteria have been consumed — leaving an estimated 18 servings that must be discarded if they are not used before the homogenized wholesome beverage expires.

Between 13 and 15 four-ounce servings of the milk were consumed by government employees and elected officials, either by drinking it directly, or as an additive in their coffee, tea or hot chocolate through the end of the fiscal October 15th milestone, according to federal officials, leaving about 17-19 rations unused. An estimated 3-8 of those should be consumed by the approaching October 28 deadline, and it’s always feasible that the white pasteurized drink could become useful for projects outside of consumption such as softening skin, soothing bug bites, cleaning patent leather or removing ink stains from clothing. But most of Urbana’s civil servants and office holders believe that the majority of the nutritious achromatic liquid refreshment will be thrown away if not used before the expiration date passes.

Despite the gratuitous squandering of taxpayer money, both male and female elected officials on either side of the political fence seem content just to let the bone-strengthening, vitamin D enriched drink expire, citing their stance on lactose as the impetus. “I have no tolerance for lactose,” states republican Mary Templeton, while democrat Ted Wineheart agrees, “Carbohydrates of any kind have no place in the work area.”

The City of Urbana, meanwhile, faces mounting charges from the public that it overreacted to their breakfast-lunch beverage consumption needs, and local news agencies have begun investigating allegations that some of the city’s civil workers were influenced by local convenience stores to exaggerate the necessity, thereby helping in dairy product sales. However, a few of Urbana’s public officials have strongly disputed the charges, saying the purchase seemed logical at the time, given the uncertainty of just how many government employees were expected to utilize the newly renovated break room, as opposed to purchasing their meals and drinks at local restaurants and fast food establishments, and furthermore, what percentage of the remaining ‘pack-a-lunch pundits’ were interested in having milk with their meals, or planned on taking advantage of the cafeteria’s vast cereal selection.

city of urbana milk consumption 102313“Could we have made decisions better? Could we have considered things in a different way?” said Michael Weisenstein, the city employee who took it upon himself to purchase the gallon of milk. “We, along with many others, are asking the same kinds of questions of ourselves and each other,” Weisenstein told reporters Tuesday, “But given the fact that one of our city’s postal workers generously brought in a dozen freshly baked doughnuts the very same day, purchasing a more-than-normal amount of milk seemed like the only recourse at the time.”

Unexpected amounts of administrative aides who prefer to consume soda at breakfast is being touted as the main cause of what has so many Urbana citizens frustrated and up-in-arms over seeing their hard earned money go to waste. Nevertheless, officials said they were largely “satisfied” with the effort to consume the healthy, waxen dairy product, and remain confident that a sufficient amount will still be put to good use, before the zero-hour comes to pass.

“Did we do as well as we would have liked to? No, not at all,” said republican Anne Schofield of the City Council. “But the city did an extraordinary job of responding. It’s pretty incredible to think about how much uncertainty we had at the beginning of this. Given the potential amount of vegans and lactose-intolerant people we have in this building,” Schofield said, “it was unavoidable that some servings would go to waste. But we were dealing with a very unusual situation. We had doughnuts. We had young people who specifically wanted a cold, non-carbonated yet healthy beverage alternative that they could dunk the doughnuts in,” she said. “We wanted to make sure we had enough. We didn’t want to be short. It was important to us, to be able to properly quench the thirst and satiate the famishment of our very own red-blooded American Urbanian workers, with a health-giving glass of milk, and we simply were not willing to entertain the notion of an evaporated or powdered alternative.”

“It’s too early to write the final chapter on this gallon of farm-fresh, alabaster hardiness,” said Michael T. Osselborne, assistant to the acting head of the Parks Department. “I feel we’re at the beginning of a third wave of latte drinkers who pine for a little extra froth. I just bet you a lot of the milk that is sitting there will not be unused.”

But many unnamed officials acknowledge that it becomes more and more difficult to persuade a skeptical office to consume the life-giving cow’s bounty, especially given the fact that it’s appeal appears to be fading, now that the “honeymoon period” and newness of the purchase have waned. Furthermore, many are inclined to agree with David R. Johnston, head of Animal Control, who also believes the milk should be allowed to expire, leaving Urbanian’s backbreakingly-obtained tax money to simply be poured down the drain in the process. “The city has proposed to me that we utilize the milk to feed the stray dogs and cats we have in captivity,” the dog-catcher decrees, “But people often fail to realize that the milk of a cow contains absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever, for any creature other than another cow– be it dogs, cats, rats… or humans.”

“The message we should take away from this experience is that we need to continue to explore technologies to improve the milk-consumption estimation process, equally as important, we need to invest in an infrastructure that ensures a more meticulous process, providing much more concise appraisals and evaluations, to safeguard against these kind of unthrifty dairy expenditures in the future.” said Henry J. Trachtenburg, head of Urbana City Planning & Zoning. – Liora Jynx 


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