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Smartasses Twitter Quote of the Day: “I’ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don’t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?”

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Zak Bagans Is Still a Bitch

We admit it. For almost all of 2011 we decided to leave Zak Bagans alone. We figured maybe we here at Smartasses got through to him, or maybe he was finally done re-visiting that “I’m invincible” stage we all go through when we’re fourteen years old, but for whatever reason, Zak seemed to be toning it down.

Oh how wrong we were.

Although I decline to give the show any credit for being the ‘rock and roll version of paranormal investigation’ like most writers seem to enjoy doing, simply because that somehow seems to sanctify them as the ghost-hit-men supernus for generation-now (not unlike Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve usurped Lawrence Welk’s annual year-end yawnfest back in 1972, and I simply refuse to edify Ghost Adventures in that manner), still, if you can suspend reality long enough to swallow things like their PX device, the ‘spirit speak and spell phonetic generator thingy’ actually existing… the show isn’t that bad. So we’re not dogging on the show. Nope, just Zak.

If you’ve read Zak’s book, then from the auto-biographical portion, you already ‘know’ he was shy, and had trouble facing people as a lad. We don’t buy it. Introverts don’t get in film school, don’t work as wedding DJ’s, and certainly don’t launch their own clothing line and prance around in it. Don’t fall for the ‘sensitive’ bull ladies- he’s every bit the fame-fishing, uber-aggressive Aries that his birth date suggests. Trust us. He still updates his Myspace page for Christ’s sake. Apologies, however, to whoever the doe-eyed pre-pubescent was that created the Tumblr site, Zak Bagans Is A God- we certainly don’t wish to tread upon your First Amendment rights.

But in case you don’t trust us, go back and watch the Ghost Adventures Special: Horror Hotels And Deadliest Hospitals that aired on The Travel Channel on February 24th, 2012. Dude bought himself a throne. In the event you drifted off and started dreaming about rabbits somewhere along the way, I’ll type it again- Zak Bagans bought himself a throne.

Naming his clothing line ‘Dungeonwear’, and giving it it’s own website and twitter account (clothes tweet?) seemingly wasn’t enough. He had to build himself his own dungeon to justify the netherworld apparel, and apparently, put a throne in the dungeon so as to justify the room. I mean, without any elf-world woodland robbers to capture and cage up, suffice it to say you have to do something with a dungeon, right? Decorating it with after-Halloween-sale mise en scène from Dollar General certainly isn’t enough, so why not put a throne in there, where you can sit and ponder things? That way, the sales-pitch to the manufacturer can go something like this, “Yes, I want to create a clothing line that captures the essence, of what it’s like to be in my dungeon, where I sit, in my throne, and ponder things. In the dark.” God already knows there’s no other reason to give Zak Bagans his own clothing line. If you want to emulate Zak’s style, just stand around a few junior high school halls, and wait. Chances are, the next boy to utter “My father never loved me” is probably your guy.

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T-Shirts & Gifts From Smartasses

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What is perhaps worst of all, is the mere fact that the Travel Channel seems to encourage the behavior. Not only did they recently film from Zak’s dungeon, but their website even gives you a virtual tour of Bagan’s kewl Basement, courtesy of a slideshow. I feel sorry for whoever picked this one out of the job jar, but some blog-savvy intern, literally, had to type the phrase, “Zak relaxes in his throne by the fireplace” next to one of the photographs. All things being equal, I bet they never imagined in a million years, that they’d have to roll out of bed one day with that task on the to-do list. Then again, we are talking about King Zak here, so maybe they did. The caption for the picture to the right reads, “Nick seems a little intimidated by his surroundings.” Yeah right. We realize the Travel Channel just wanted to be a little cute, but all joking aside, even though Nick Groff could possibly be turned off with Zak’s beer-can-collection and Slayer posters… the dude hunts ghosts for a living. More than likely, Nick probably doesn’t give two dimes about a glow in the dark plastic skeleton adorned with cotton-candy- dude is pissed he has to ride the pine at Zak’s left hand, while Zak sits on a f*cking throne!

We imagine that, by now, especially after the Kris Williams interview, that a good portion of you ghost-type, Smartass-aholics, probably listen to Smart Mark Radio, where, as you know, not only is Ric Lieb ‘Your RoleModel’, but also the ‘star of the show’. Assuming you do, I guaran-damn-tee that the day his character ego, actually goes to his real life head, to the point where he starts demanding to do broadcasts from the red, velvety over-side of a king’s chair… is the day that Jayhawk and Tony T punch him in the back of the skull. Which is exactly what anyone who meets Zak Bagans should do to him. - Derk Steele, Editor

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