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Phony News From Smartasses Radio
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Phony News From Smartasses Radio
Don Thompson, the CEO of McDonald’s, found himself in the hotseat at the annual shareholder meeting on Thursday when he was confronted during the question and answer part of the meeting, by 9-year-old Hannah Robertson. “Something that I don’t think is fair,” said Hannah “is when big companies try to trick kids into eating food that isn’t good for them by using toys and cartoon characters.” The fourth-grader then later asked, “Mr. Thompson, don’t you want kids to be healthy so they can live a long and happy life?”
Thompson pointed out that McDonald’s serves fruits & vegetables and includes apples in its Happy Meals, but still, Hannah’s scolding of the CEO has attracted much praise. So much in fact, that it’s now being reported that, inspired by Hannah Robertson’s bravery, a group of Illinois third-graders have hit the streets of Oak Brook, in a quest to hunt down Ronald McDonald, and kick his red and yellow ass.
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Smartasses Radio: Phony News
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Yesterday, J.C. Penney, a department store geared toward the lower-middle class, announced a serious first quarter loss of $348 million, as same store sales dropped nearly 16.6% company wide. Recently re-installed CEO Myron Ullman replied in the earning statement, “We are looking forward, not back, and we’re undertaking initiatives to ensure we have a successful future,” but neglected to offer any specifics on how this might be accomplished… leaving many JC Penny insiders to wonder exactly how he’ll prevent the ship from capsizing. In a recent online poll, 94% of former JC Penny shoppers responded with, “Hey, here’s a tip- Stop being JC Penny!”
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In Milwaukee Wisconsin, a city fire inspector ordered that a ceiling full of women’s bras be taken down at a South Side holler-house known as Marcy’s bar, which has adopted the ritual of women-partiers hanging bras from the rafters for well over 45 years. Unfortunately however, the Milwaukee city fire inspector saw all of those hanging bras as more of a potential fire hazard, than a tribute to generations of good times, and ordered the flammable undergarments to be taken down. In a related story, in a van bearing the slogan “Women’s Lib Lives!”, a grinning Anita Bryant and Jane Fonda were recently spotted headed to Milwaukee with a fresh load of Duraflame logs and match sticks.
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It’s yet to be confirmed, but supposedly, actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are Hollywood’s newest couple. Allegedly, Depp, recently ended his fourteen-year relationship with Vanessa Paradis while he and his ‘Rum Diary’ co-star, Amber Heard, fell madly in lust. After the fall-out from Johnny leaving Vanessa, Heard and Depp made their first public appearance at a Rolling Stones concert earlier this month, and now it’s being rumored that they’re engaged- which, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense… that the newest lesbian in Hollywood would hook up with the one dude that every guy says they’d go gay with.
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In a visit to Martin Luther King Jr. Academic Magnet High School on Saturday, First Lady Michelle Obama had some advice for Tennessee high school graduates, stating, “Strike your own path, in college, and life, and work, to overcome inevitable failures with determination and grit,” and later added that, “failure may be a part of their college lives and careers, and that how they respond to any pitfalls is what will define them.” In related news, millions of out of work Americans standing in soup lines said, “Hey. Yeah. That’s great advice. We’ll try that.”
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Miley Cyrus is the latest victim of the celebrity swatting trend that’s been plaguing Hollywood in recent months, in which pranksters place 911 calls, to alert authorities about fake home invasions in celebrities’ homes. Cyrus was a victim of swatting for the second time Friday night, after an apparent prankster placed a fake emergency call and gave Miley’s home address. In an effort to stop the trickery, Jason Earles’ Mom grounded him, and took away his cell phone.
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Three planets have gathered low in the west-northwest evening sky, putting on a celestial show that won’t be seen again for more than a decade. On Friday, Sky & Telescope officials said that Jupiter, Venus and Mercury, were together in a circle five-degrees wide forming the tightest grouping of three naked-eye planets, skywatchers will see until 2026. If you missed them at the apex, experts say you should still get a reasonably good viewing until roughly June 7, or alternatively, you can head out to the West Coast, and see the three Kardashian sisters orbiting the Earth, any time you like.
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To celebrate the new Cartoon Network animated series, LEGO Star Wars: The Yoda Chronicles, LEGO unveiled a life-sized LEGO replica of an X-Wing fighter in Times Square last Wednesday night. It took over 5.3 million LEGO bricks to construct the forty-four-foot-wingspan X-Wing, and took thirty-two master builders a combined total of 17,336 hours to complete. New York City onlookers gasped in awe over the eleven foot tall Star Wars replica, but the fun quickly ended when the master builder’s moms showed up, told them to “clean up this mess” and get to bed.
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It was announced on Saturday, that one of the top officials in the Archdiocese of Newark, has been forced out for failing to properly monitor the activities of a priest, who had been forbidden from having contact with children. The dismissal of Monsignor John E. Doran, is the latest fallout from a sexual abuse scandal that stretches back to 2003, when the Reverend Michael Fugee was convicted on charges that he groped a young boy. In a related story, a black guy, a white guy, and a monkey walk into a bar…
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The South Korean Defense Ministry said North Korea fired three short-range guided missiles into waters off its east coast on Saturday, raising concerns about the potential, for more military provocation in the region. Unlike the Musudan missiles, which are believed to be capable of traveling more than 1,800 miles, and well within reach of Japan and South Korea, the missiles launched Saturday only have a range of 75 miles and never reached Japanese waters. In a related story, Dennis Rodman and his band of would-be-diplomats, were spotted on a Korean beach during the launch, laughing, pointing, and shouting, “Air Ball! Air Ball!”
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According to new research, fast-food items may have way more calories than some of us think- especially teens. The study, which was published on May 23, showed that teens typically underestimate the number of calories in their meals by as much as 34%. Said Dr. Jason Block, lead researcher at the Harvard Health Care Institute.”We found that people, especially teens, are consuming many more calories than they think they’re getting when they eat fast food.”
“Drat!” Replied the Food & Drug Administration, “We watch a lot of Scooby Doo, and we were really counting on teens to figure everything out for us.”
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The International Institute for Species Exploration, in an effort to bring attention to the plight of undiscovered species, has compiled a top-ten list of species that were first identified in 2012. More than 140 species were nominated, and winners were selected by a panel of taxonomists from over thirty different countries. Among the most notable, are a cockroach that glows in the dark, a new breed of snake that lives in the highland rainforests of western Panama, and Lindsay Lohan.
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President Obama’s decision, to impose more restrictive rules governing U.S. drone strikes along the Afghan border, could pave the way for better relations with Pakistan, officials and analysts said on Friday. “Obama has finally responded to the popular sentiment in this country,” said Mushahid Hussain, chairman of the defense committee in the Pakistani Senate, and applauded President Obama for finally breaking his silence on the topic. Top Pakistani officials claim that in the past, much to their dismay, the only way the President would ever comment on the topic, would be to put on a robe, refer to himself as Obama Wan Kenobi, and recite, “These are not the drones you are looking for.”
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In sports, NFL fans everywhere can finally breathe a collective sigh of relief, as the much anticipated news report has finally hit the wire. Finally, we can confirm, yes, Brett Favre is still a Wrangler Guy.
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The second installment of director J.J. Abrams’ franchise reboot, Star Trek Into Darkness premiered this week, and a look at the real science behind the U.S.S. Enterprise and Star Trek lore was recently uncovered in the latest feature revealed by the people at discoverychannel.com. Trekkies world wide were not so shocked to hear that force-fields and photon torpedoes are truly theoretically possible, however they were “blown away & despondent” when informed that, that Star Fleet Academy they applied to… doesn’t really exist.
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