Tony The Tiger – Cause For The Decline of Western Civilization

Simply put, Tony the Tiger is the sole cause for the decline of Western Civilization. And you thought it was Megadeth.

Tony The Tiger – Decline of Western Civilization | ArticlesSA Magazine

Tony The Tiger - The Decline Of Western CivilizationSimply put, Tony the Tiger is the sole cause for the decline of Western Civilization. And you thought it was Megadeth.

Let’s face it, thanks to TV, each and every one of you grew up thinking that anything that went wrong, anything you did wrong, and your each and every failure as a human being, was something which could be easily remedied by confessing your sins to a cartoon-tiger wearing a red bandana, and eating sugar-coated corn-flakes cereal. This is not a God-Fearing nation. This is a Tony fearing nation…

“Golly gee! I struck out again! Forgive me Tony, I have sinned!”

“That’s okay slugger! Just say three Hail-Tonys and eat a big ass bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes!”

(Moments later…)

“Wow! I hit a home run! Thank you Father-Tony!”

“Har, har, har theyyyyyyy’re great!”

What’s even worse, is they show strawberries in the bowl of cereal on the front of that Frosted Flakes box. And everyone knows damn well by now, they’re not in there. You don’t see Tigger pulling this sh*t.


Tony The Tiger - Decline of Western Civilization


Dante Missed A Few

Muppet HellEveryone already knows that ‘Standing In Line At The Help Desk In Wal-Mart’ is actually one of Dante’s Lost Circles of Hell. But what they don’t know is where it falls in line with the other lost circles.

I believe it’s the one right after the Level of Hell where everyone makes the “We’re Freezing Over!” joke, but immediately precedes the really annoying level where yeah, you’re starring in a movie… but everyone else in it is a Muppet but you.

So now you know.


Orthodox Churches?

This… I’ve never understood.

To be orthodox, means you’re doing the same thing as everyone else. You never hear Dick Vitale announcing a basketball game go, “I love this kid. He reminds me of everyone else in the league! He’s so orthodox!”

So what’s with the Orthodox Church? If you’re doing the same thing as everyone else, why do you have to announce it? Seems to me, it should only be worthy of mention, if you’re doing things differently, so people can be forewarned. “We’re an unorthodox church. Yeah, we kneel… but we don’t pray. We trade soup recipes.”

Seems simple to me, because that’s how it is in every other aspect of life. You don’t have Orthodox-Cops. There are no Orthodox-Firemen.

“Hey Bob, nice to meet ya. What do you do?”

“Why, I’m an Orthodox-Cowboy. I rustle cattle, I wear a lot of denim, and I sit at campfires and eat beans out of can… just like every other cowboy.”

“Sounds good! Good luck with that!”


The Nose Ring

The Nose RingDon’t get it. Don’t understand it. Never will. Earrings, I get. Ears are ugly, they need decoration. It works. The nose? The stud isn’t so bad, as long as it doesn’t look like a Cindy Crawford mole most people go to great lengths to cover up.

But the hoop? Aside of utilizing it at the Dry Cleaners for a nice temporary place to hang your heavily starched oxfords while you write them a check, I don’t understand the concept. A lot of people dedicate a lot of energy to covert automobile braking & accelerating, to give themselves the inconspicuous privacy needed to pull things out of their nose. Why someone would buck this trend to “clean house”, and put something in it, escapes me. Whatever. I’m off to put purposeful stains on my clean laundry…


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