BRIANNA GARCIA SMAG’s MARCH 2016 AMAZING GAL OF THE MONTH
If you’re not a buff of ancient antiquity, then you would not be aware of the fact that, in 332 BC, after he had already conquered Asia Minor, the Levant, and Syria, the greatest conqueror who has ever lived, Alexander the Great, took his army into Egypt. Upon his doing so, the Egyptians, who had been living under the oppressive rule of King Darius and the Persians, as opposed to fighting the great Alexander, instead, without even the slightest bit of hesitation, welcomed him with open arms, immediately handed over the pharoah’s crown of Egypt to him– and proclaimed him to be a god.
With this in mind, though we may not have ever been to Cairo, and we’re certainly not very fond of beetles, we here at Smartasses Magazine are at least intelligent enough to recognize a supreme being when we see one, and let us be damned if we don’t enjoy a good old fashioned proclamation now and then. If you’ve followed us closely, with history being what it is, then you’re well aware that on March 17, 2012, not unlike the good people of Egypt did for the great son of King Philip and Olympias, we declared Avril Lavigne a god. Since that time nearly four years ago, not only does She have Her own religion, each and every year we and Lavignians around the globe enjoy celebrating Laventine’s Day, Hallavigne, Thanksgavigne, and of course, the ever popular Avrilmas every September 27th.
In that spirit, it almost needs no mentioning, that the Greeks, Romans, and even the aforementioned Egyptians had many deities in their collective societies, and we too came to the realization that not unlike them, we needed to take our religious zeal to a higher level as well. If by chance you listened to the September 28, 2015 episode of our magazine’s popular accompanying podcast, Smartasses Radio, which ironically was an episode celebrating Avrilmas seeing as how it was only one day after the holiday, then you are more than fully aware that we too, as of that date, are now equally as polytheistic as our ancient predecessors were. For it was on that very Monday, where we, being of sound mind and sound body, officially and rhapsodically declared Brianna Garcia to also be a god. This Amazing Gal of the Month article, fair citizens, is Her coronation.
Smartasses: The title of demi-god was bestowed upon Alexander the Great by Egyptian priests, and was considered by many to be the Son of Zeus-Ammon. We’ve now proclaimed You a god, and decreed that, in order to seal Your deification, every sixth day of the third month shall henceforth be known as Briannamas, and You shall be the Amazing Gal of the Month every March. How do You feel about this?
Brianna: Absolutely honored! Thank you for bestowing this upon me!
Smartasses: You obviously have ten to work with, but what are two Commandments You would give to Your legions of worshippers right this minute?
Brianna: Respect the living, knowing life is just as valid an experience regardless of species. Being human does not make you superior, but it does make one inclined to act as such. Do harm to no one, especially children and animals who are innocent.
Smartasses: What would Your first church look like?
Brianna: Like something out of Tim Burton film, I’d hope.
Smartasses: So on to more secular topics, how are things with Your band, Lust and Lies?
Brianna: We’ve been recording and finishing up a bunch of new songs for the past two months. We’re going to be releasing a lot of material this year, and will be announcing new shows soon. Recording takes so much more time than people realize, but it’s getting done, and I am really excited about playing these new songs live and getting them out there online. We just don’t like to rush anything, and we care about the music above all else, so that’s consuming our time right now.
Smartasses: Awesome! Have You done any modeling shoots recently?
Brianna: I haven’t really been keeping track, a couple companies. However, I am not trying to model. I am way more into the music and have been really busy with that, and haven’t had any real interest in modeling in a long time.
Smartasses: Who are some of Your non-musical influences?
Brianna: I am a longtime huge fan of the works of Edgar Allen Poe. His work has been very influential to my writing, personal style, and outlook. I also like the work of Anton LaVey & Aleister Crowley, reading their works through my teens, and even now is like getting empowerment, or as Kim Fowley used to call them, Bitch Lessons. Kim and his unique style and affinity for fabulous teenage runaway rocker style definitely shaped my confidence, and will always be something that reminds me to be myself no matter what and do whatever makes me feel good, or whatever I think is interesting or fun, and to not give a damn if someone has a problem with it, if I am not hurting anyone. I also admire Angelina Jolie’s humanitarian efforts and intelligence, and the fact that she used to be addicted to heroin and have so many crazy problems, yet still managed to kick ass and become who she is today. She was in the spotlight since she was a child, but didn’t let it make her into a victim. I find her particularly badass because of that. Also, I’ve been vegan for over seven years, and although no one had much of an influence on that part of my life besides the animals, River Phoenix, and the way he valued his vegan upbringing, and was so outspoken about it when he was alive, inspires me. I love looking up old videos and interviews of him, he seemed really down to earth.
Bouncy for Brianna? Visit our Brianna Garcia bio for more history, photos, links to all of her Smartasses Radio interviews and official social networking sites.
Brianna Garcia – “I have a slightly irrational fear of decapitation by helicopter.”
20 NEW Questions with Brianna Garcia – Miss March 2016
1 – What was Your funniest moment in life? The entirety of my homelessness in LA. Goodness, was that hilariously awful. Being broke with Erik and our old rhythm guitarist in Korea Town was pretty hilarious in a sad and awful way too.
2 – Has anyone ever asked You 100% seriously to marry them? If the Internet counts, then yes. In real life, no.
3 – What is the one thing You’re most proud of doing for someone else? I like to help others, but I don’t like to talk about what I’ve done for other people because, I don’t know, it’s tacky.
4 – What is Your favorite sports car? Always liked the Audi R8.
5 – What is Your “Inane Superpower” (climbing stairs really fast, not making a mess when You cook, etc)? All of the above.
6 – What superpower do You dream of having? I’d really like to teleport, ah I would be so productive. Probably get myself in heaps of trouble though, so maybe it’s for the best.
7 – Which famous person would You like to be? I don’t know. Though I have and do admire many people who live or have lived lives that give something back to the world. I don’t know if I’d like to be like anyone but myself. I don’t know how to be any other way.
8 – What is something You learned today? There’s a cute tv show called. Neighbors from Hell that really should’ve got a season two.
9 – If You could change one thing about the world, what would it be? I would want to change how people only see differences amongst one another, when we are all so much the same. I’d want the world to understand that, and look at the whole world population as people they are related to, because in a way, we all are. I would like the world to be scientifically literate and understand human evolution. I think it is truly humbling and gives you a better sense of respect for fellow animals, and fellow man.
10 – Do You have any phobias? No, but I find them fascinating. I have a slightly irrational fear of decapitation by helicopter, but I’ve ridden in one before and it didn’t scare me, I am just uneasy about them.
11 – What is Your favorite TV Show? Vikings is back, and it is a perfect show. That is my favorite of all time. However, I also like less serious stuff like The Big Bang Theory, and I most often just watch things like American Dad, Family Guy, The Simpsons, Rick and Morty, and stuff like that.
12 – If Your job caused you to move, which country besides the US would You choose to live in? I would definitely be interested in The UK, because they speak English and England is a very diverse place. However, I am really interested in Germany and would love to live in Berlin for a little while at some point, although I’ve never been there. I’ve been studying the German language for years, and really like that there is a strong vegan presence in Berlin, and that it seems to be a very diverse and multicultural, as well as scenic city. I love The US, and am truly an American girl, but I am always interested in new places, people, experiences, and things of that nature.
13 – What is Your favorite cocktail? Jack Daniels & Ginger Ale.
14 – Would You rather be too hot or too cold? Too cold. I am not really a big fan of the heat, ironically I have chosen to live in California, but it is nowhere near as hot as South Florida where I grew up. Although, I don’t think anyone really likes bitter cold, I would typically rather be too cold than too hot.
15 – Boxers, briefs or boxer-briefs? I like boxer briefs, but whatever’s clever. Less is more so briefs are cool too. Ha ha!
16 – Chocolate or Vanilla? Always Vanilla. Always wanted to be one of those girls who loved chocolate, and always thought of that as a very cute quality to have, but I just can’t stand it. There is this one medicated vegan dark chocolate bar with sea salt, out here in California, that I actually like though .
17 – If You could bring one album to a deserted island with You, what would it be? Depends on the circumstances. If I was only visiting, I would do something like Physical Graffiti. However if I were to be trapped there for any given amount of time I would just go with The White Album, so I could lose my mind peacefully, and if at any point the isolation was too long lasting and I became inclined to kill myself I could play Happiness Is A Warm Gun and laugh about it. Ha ha.
18 – If You had to give up one of the two, which would it be – Car or Cellphone? I don’t have a car, and hate to drive. I live in a city so it’s easy for me. If I were elsewhere, I would probably have to drive, but I am just not into it, never have been. I like to be driven though.
20 – How would You describe Yourself in five words? Really. Bad. At. Following. Directions.