ABBY REZZ SMAG’s SEPTEMBER 2017 AMAZING GAL OF THE MONTH
Though September is typically the month where all of your favorite television shows begin anew, and fresh new programming hits your airwaves for the very first time, for us here at SMAG, this year it’s time to show a rerun. When you’re a magazine that embraces Female Empowerment, it’s never ever a bad thing to showcase a woman who walks it every minute of every day. Though we would have loved to also walk Abby’s road and track her down for some updates, sometimes things just aren’t in the stars. However, when you’re a gal like Miss Rezz is, you’re worth the revisit, new material or not. Therefore, here now is an appropriate throwback to Smartasses Magazine’s iconic Amazing Gal of the Month for August 2011… with a few new photos thrown in for good measure.
When the Summer heats up, we’re all inclined to try and find a little shade. Be that as it may, August just got really hot for Smartasses Magazine, and in this instance, hiding from the light won’t help you, because this time… the heat is actually coming from the Dark Side, and frankly, we’re rather excited. We’ll be the first to tell you that the power of piercings, tatt’s & plats on a gal is grossly underestimated, and we’re banging our proverbial heads over the fact that we can finally bring you a Hot Chick O’ The Month who embraces power, as well as each and every thing Goth.
Meet Abby Rezz, Capricorn, artist, avid lover of indulgence, and aspiring Hot Topic model who will tell you to your face, “I got you hooked like crack” and although that is indeed a truism, perhaps she says it best when she utters “I can’t pay my rent… but I’m f’ing gorgeous.” We agree. Abby is a photographer as well as a model, and… who can blame her, often times her favorite subject- is herself.
Abby, who claims that Alan Rickman is on her “To-Do List”, isn’t found fiddling with finely-manicured fuchsia fingernails through a closet of fabulous fine furs, evening gowns and ruby red slippers, when considering her attire of attack to taunt the town with at night. If you’re meeting Rezz out at a party, break out your black leather and lots of mascara (mascara, especially if you’re a male) because you can wager your warehouse that Abby will be adorned in short dresses, large safety pins, spikes, chains, fishnets, nylons, corsets, dreads, and of course… boots.
For our Miss August, who is amorously attracted to feminine guys, butch girls, and admits “I might f*** your mother one day” when given the opportunity to describe herself in one word, she chooses “Blunt”. She isn’t joking. Abby makes it very clear from the get-go, “I do what the f*** I want, when I want… and I don’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” She also admits, “I hate when people are too afraid to confront me about things… grow some balls.” and when asked what she would do if someone had her cornered in a dark alley, her response- “F***in’ rip their nuts off and shove ’em up their ass.”
In fact, if you want the honor of being in Rezz’s wake, you’d better be able to put up with her attitude, and you’d be equally as wise to trade in the virgin ears for a set of apathetic auditory appendages. Yes the hair is both silky and inviting and the eyes are enthralling, but it’s not just her body that is baleful– behind those lush lips, lies a torqued tongue ready to torpedo you with plenty of twenty-five-cent tète-à-tète. “F*** love, gimme fire.”, “Who needs your f***ing god when I’ve got my gun?” and “Ding dang… who’s your boss?!” are just a few of our faves.
But that doesn’t mean she is evil-incarnate. Abby’s antiphon is, “I’m honest, not mean. Get it right” and even though she has her own Religion on Facebook, when it comes to religion, “I try to avoid talking about religion on the net, or for that matter at all, but I gotta rant. I’d appreciate it if some of you f***in’ Bible thumpers would keep your beliefs to yourselves. I don’t need your sh*t jammed down my neck and I don’t need to be “saved”. I’m perfectly happy with where I’m standing now. I’m not possessed nor am I a demon. F*** off you bunch of slags.” When asked about current events, Rezz replies, “I think its funny how everyone is posting about Amy Winehouse. Please people, you didn’t give a sh*t when she was alive, stop acting like you do now.”
When asked about her hoard of followers, she jokingly muses “You’re me on a slightly lower budget” and adds, “Copycats make the world go ’round” In regards to her legion of Abbyrezzinists, though indeed, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery… and Miss August does love her flattery, don’t fly too close to the Sun and question the one who leads. To her critics, Rezz offers sound advice- “Get a f***ing life and stop worrying about what I’m doing with mine. If you don’t like it, that’s your own sh*t” and in response to her fake on vampirefreaks.com, Abby answers “Why does the fake me on VF have more friends than me? Fail. You need to f*** right off to somewhere where oxygen is sparse.”
If you too want to be graced with Abby’s presence, it’s not difficult to worship her. You can grab her poster, view her Gallery on Deviant Art, visit The Abby Rezz Shrine on Facebook, find Abby herself there, or join her on Tumblr, Twitter, or Formspring.
Abby Rezz – “The one thing I cannot stand in people is meek personalities.”
20 Questions with Abby Rezz – Miss September 2017
1- The worst advice my mother ever gave me was: If you don’t have anything good to say, shut the f*** up.
2- The last good movie I watched was: HP Deathly Hallows. Severus is my soul mate.
3- My favorite pig out food is: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
4- My favorite actress is: Helena Bonham Carter.
4.2 – My favorite actor is: Alan Rickman.
5- My favorite childhood memory is: Snorting my first line.
6- My favorite bands are: Psyclon Nine, Columbine, Wumpscut, Grendel, Black Veil Brides, Motionless in White, etc. There’s way too many to name off.
7- My most prized possession is: My taser gun.
8- My most major accomplishment: Keeping my job for as long as I have… I’m pretty surprised everyone puts up with my sh*t.
9- My personal hero is: Anton LaVey.
10- I’d give anything to: Get everything.
11- I’ve never been able to: Get my eyebrows perfectly symmetrical.
12- The worst part of my job is: The hipsters and scene chicks.
13- My fantasy is: Five guys plowing me at the same time, and to become president.
14- The one thing I cannot stand in people is: Meek personalities.
15- If I could change one thing about myself, it would be: Nothing at all.
16- My most embarrassing moment was: Puking in a stranger’s bed.
17- Nobody knows I: I have better penmanship writing with my toes rather than my hands.
18- My friends like me because: They don’t, and if they do its because they want to get into my pants.
19- Behind my back they say: “Check out her ass.”
20- My favorite color is: Crimson red.